Clean Laughs

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” —Proverb 17:22


 

Quotes

  • “Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.” —Will Rogers

  • “We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” —Will Rogers
     

  • “Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side.” Stanley Ralph Ross

  • “Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” —Benjamin Franklin
     

  • “If you work for the IRS, they're so crooked that when you die someone's going to have to screw you in the ground.” —Evangelist Phil Kidd
     

  • “You can call me anything you want, just don't call me collect or late for dinner.”
     

  • “Do you wake up grouchy in the morning? No, I just let her sleep.”
     

  • Preachers don't talk in their sleep. They talk in other people's sleep.
     

I'm a member of P.E.T.A. ... “People Eating Tasty Animals!”

 

Jokes

  • Q: What do you call a cow without legs?
         A:
    ground beef!
     

  • Q: What color was George Washington's white horse?
         A: white
     

  • Q: Who is buried in Grant's tomb?
         A: Grant
     

  • Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
         A: You get your job back, your wife back, Your home back, your dog back...!


Lawyer Jokes

  • Lawyer's OfficeQ: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
          A: One is a scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish!
     

  • Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a lawyers funeral?
         A: Because there are only two handles on a garbage pail!
     

  • Q: Why are lawyers buried ten feet deep instead of six?
         A:
    Because deep down under lawyers aren't that bad!

     

  • Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
        
    A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
     

  • Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
        
    A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
     

  • Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
         A: His partners.
     

  • Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
         A: His lips are moving.
     

  • Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
         
    A: Senator.
     

  • Q: What’s the difference between a pity and a shame?
         
    A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Ambulance Chaser
Ambulance chaser!

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.


To learn why people hate and despise lawyers so much, please read, The Economic Rape Of America...

LAWYERS: WORKERS OR THIEVES?

Remember Chapter Eight: "The first imperative of human behavior is: Survival or self-preservation. The second imperative is: Obtain the means for survival through the least effort. There are two basic ways to obtain the means for survival: Working and Stealing. Working is called the economic means. Stealing is the political means. The private sector or free market utilizes the economic means; the public sector or government, the political means." Do lawyers obtain the wherewithal for survival through working or stealing? ...

  • "A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight car. But a man who attends college and graduates as a lawyer might steal the whole railroad." - Theodore Roosevelt.
    How can you tell when times are really hard? Lawyers walk around with their hands in their own pockets.

  • "The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket." - H.L. Mencken.

  • One-third of the $25 billion awarded each year in liability lawsuits goes to the lawyers.

  • "When there's a rift in the lute, the business of the lawyer is to widen the rift and gather the loot." - Arthur Garfield Hays.

  • What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer? A leech let's you go after you're dead.

  • What's the difference between a callgirl and a lawyer? A callgirl returns calls.

  • What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? Frequent-flier points.

  • What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a garbage-eating bottom-dweller and the other is a fish.

  • What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers in it? A porcupine's pricks are on the outside.

  • Why does a lawyer wear a necktie? To stop his foreskin from slipping over his head.

  • How do you know when a lawyer lies? His lips move.

  • What does a lawyer do after he dies? He lies still.

  • "As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the commentators said the same thing: 'One of these people in the room is lying.' Do you believe that? You've got two lawyers and 14 senators in the room, and only one of them is lying?" - Jay Leno.

  • "The problem is not that you can buy a congressman for $10,000 but that you can buy a Washington lawyer for $100,000." - Nicholas Johnson, former FCC Commissioner.

  • Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep? Because deep down they are good people.

  • A lawyer in San Diego changed professions to became a used-car salesman. He was trying to improve his professional image.

  • A pickpocket, a prostitute, and a lawyer are in a boat that has run out of gas near an island. The pickpocket gets into the water to swim ashore for help. Immediately several sharks head straight at him. He gets back into the boat in a hurry. The same thing happens to the prostitute. So the lawyer jumps into the water and swims ashore. Afterwards they ask him how come the sharks didn't attack him? "Professional courtesy," he replies.
    Did you know that laboratories are replacing rats with lawyers? There are three reasons: There are more lawyers than rats, rats are cuter, and lab workers don't get so attached to lawyers.

  • Why do doctors like operating on lawyers? Because there's no guts, no heart, and their blood runs cold.

  • A lawyer got a girl pregnant and offered to marry her. But her parents refused. Why? "Because it's better to have a bastard in the family rather than a lawyer."

  • In a cemetery, a guy sees a tombstone that reads, "Here lies a lawyer and a Christian." "Wow," he thinks, "Why did they bury two guys in the same grave?"

  • One day, the gate between heaven and hell breaks. St. Peter calls the devil. "What do you want?" growls the devil. "It's your turn to fix the gate, according to our agreement," St. Peter says. The devil replies that he won't fix the gate. St. Peter says, "I'll sue you for breaking our agreement." The devil replies, "Oh yeah? Where will you get a lawyer?"

  • How do you know that God is a lawyer? He made chaos and darkness first.

  • There was a man who was going to die, and he wanted to take his money with him. So he gave his minister, his doctor, and his lawyer each $1 million to put in his casket when he died. The man died, and the preacher put the million dollars in the casket. The doctor put in $500,000, saying the man would never know. The lawyer said, "I put the whole million in the casket." It was a check for $1 million.

  • Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on its head and the other pulled on its tail, the lawyer milked it. - Jewish parable.

  • How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Lawyers don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw their clients.

  • Why was the lawyer buried up to his head in sand? Because they ran out of sand.

  • Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Because cats keep trying to cover them up.

  • What happened when a lawyer stepped into some cow dung? He thought he was melting.

  • What's brown and black and looks good on a well-dressed lawyer? Two Doberman pinschers.

  • What do you get when you cross a goat and a lawyer? Nothing; there are some things even a goat won't do.

  • How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? You take your foot off his head.

  • Where's the best place to find a lawyer? At the bottom of a river.

  • What do you call a hundred lawyers chained together on the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

  • What do you call a vintage Rolls-Royce limo with lawyers in every seat but one going over a cliff? A crying shame.

  • What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

  • What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

  • How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

  • How come San Quentin has all the criminals and Washington all the lawyers? San Quentin got first choice.

  • What do you do if you find yourself in a room with Hitler, Mussolini, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice.

  • What do you call an attorney with an IQ of less than fifty? Your honor.

  • "If all the lawyers were hanged tomorrow, and their bones sold to a mahjongg factory, we'd be freer and safer, and our taxes would be reduced by almost half." - H.L. Mencken.

  • "During the mid-1980s the dairy industry had its own plan to limit production, the "whole herd buyout." Dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. Hell, even homeless welfare babies were drinking moo juice. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this this with lawyers?" - P.J. O'Rourke, 1991.

Why do people tell all these jokes about lawyers? ... When a lawyer abuses the law to his own benefit, at the expense of his client or victim, he is stealing. The law is a political instrument. It is the foundation of politics... READ MORE

© Copyright 1992 Free America! Institute ALL RIGHTS RESERVED


Meet Meeoowww!

This Thursday, April 19, 2012 photo provided by the Santa Fe Animal Shelter veterinarian Dr. Jennifer Steketee holds Meow, a 2-year-old tabby at the shelter in Santa Fe, N.M. (AP Photo/Santa Fe Animal Shelter, Ben Swan)


  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
     

  • The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


 


 

Marriage Humor

  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener!

  • There are 3-rings in marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the SUFFERING!

  • Remember, the husband always has the last two words in any marriage... "Yes dear."

  • I married a Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

  • A woman told her grandmother that she wanted to marry, but her boyfriend didn't believe in Hell. The grandmother said, "You go ahead and marry him and he'll find out there is one."


Whoever said “the pen is mightier than
the sword” has obviously never been stabbed!!!



Only in America

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
 
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink.
 
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
 
4. Only in America... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
 
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering
machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
 
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America... do we use the word
“politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.


 

EVER WONDER...

 
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
 
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used
on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do they make us fasten our seat belts in our cars, but we are allowed to ride a CTA bus standing up holding on for dear life as you go down Lake Shore Drive at 45MPH... Heaven forbid the bus driver has to hit the brakes!

Why do they give us a ticket for talking on our cell phone... when the cops are always talking on their cell phone???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

END



Just A Little Reminder




Kids Say the Darndest Things...

Here's some funny things that my children said while growing up...

Robert at age 6: Can I watch the "Vampire Strikes Back?" (He meant Empire Strikes Back)

Crystal: "When can I use the Gumputer?" (she meant to say computer)

Darla at age 3: "Give me the fu__ing donuts!" (oh my)

Lynda at the zoo: "I saw a squarrel." (she meant squirrel)

Robert at age 6 (10-13-96): My printer was malfunctioning and I was throwing away a lot of papers. Robert said, "I'll go empty your garbage so you can do some more."

Crystal: "Can I have some skinny milk?" (she meant to say skim milk)

Robert at age 6: As we were going to the Blue Angel Restaurant to eat, Robert asked, "Are we eating at the blueberry restaurant?"

Robert at age 6: "Today at school 800 kids were bothering me!"

Robert at age 6: "This car makes me sea sick."

Robert: As I was driving one day in Chicago I said to my wife, "Those guys standing there are always selling drugs." Robert said, "I don't see no drugs."

Darla: (06-09-96): Darla accidentally empties my garbage towards her face.. oops!

Darla: I accidentally dropped my Nashville 400 amplifier and the spring reverb made a really loud crashing sound, Darla came running in and said, "FIREWORKS."

Crystal at 4 1/2 (04-30-96): Crystal, how did you get hurt? Was somebody chasing you? Crystal answered, "No, I was chasing me by myself."

Robert (06-14-96): Robert, myself and his grandpa were fishing together one day in a boat. I said, "Hey dad, Robert saw a giant Bass over here! Robert says, "And I thought it was a fish."

Robert (06-16-96): "When I get home, I'm going swimming for 83 hours."

Robert at age 9 (10-11-98): I had asked Robert to go get me the red side cutters. He was so proud he got 'em, he said, "I know what side cutters are, and sheepheads too."

Robert (10-11-98): "What is Mrs. DOS?" He had seen MS DOS.

Crystal (01-28-98): "It's dark in there with the kitchen light on."

Crystal (03-18-98): Her mother came back from the grocery store and was knocking at the window. I told crystal to let her in but first ask who it is. Crystal went to the door and yelled, "Who it is?"

Robert (09-13-97): I said, "I wonder if my paper's here?" Robert said, "I know it is." I said, "How do you know." Robert said, "Because it's 5 o'clock something."

Robert (09-12-97): Robert woke up at 4 a.m. and came into the room. I was doing some homework. Robert said, "I better go back to sleep, I only had 7 hours of sleep, I need one more minute."

Darla (01-97): "Stop cheesing me." (she meant stop teasing me)

Crystal: "Mommy, she poked my eye tomorrow."

Robert at age 7 (02-22-97): Mom asked, "Hey Robert, what happened to your bruises? Robert answered, "They escaped."

Lynda at age 6 (02-20-97): "I don't like the bones in the apple."
 


Sara the Sax Playing Walrus
 


This is one of the best singles ads ever printed...

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting . . . .

Please scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Dying Pastor
 

An old pastor was dying.  He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.  When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.  As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.  The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.  For a time, no one said anything.  Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"  The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."


Clean Humor

 
A redneck woman was asked by a police officer why she parked in the handicapped parking when she's not handicapped. She replied, "I parked der cus it said 'parking is a fine.' "

A little later the same redneck woman's friend told her to look at the big dog with just one eye. So she put her hand over one eye and then looked at the dog.