I am tired in my soul. I have been alone now for 14 years, which has been
like a prison sentence for me. I have never felt so alone in all my life
lately. It is not good for a man to be alone the Bible says. I need a help
meet (Genesis 2:18). Some rare people like to live alone, but I not only
hate it, it depresses me continually. The only thing that has kept me going
is my faith in Jesus Christ and my ministry online. I apologize to my web
visitors if I seem moody sometimes in my articles, because I am...lol. I am
struggling with depression. I get so down not having a companion in life,
and it feels overwhelming at times. I cannot keep doing this, so I let my
family (daughter, son-in-law and grandson) know last night, that I am
planning on leaving Guam by my next birthday in March, if nothing else
changes. Guam is not the place to be if your single. My reclusive
personality doesn't help either. I have been praying for years for a wife.
I don't drink booze or smoke, so I don't go to bars. Nor would I want to meet someone there. I am not Roman Catholic, which 80% of Guam is. I am attending a new very small Baptist church, and will see how things go, but I need a wife, and if I cannot find one soon, I am (by God's grace) moving back to the United States. I was looking at Knoxville today. I like Pastor Clarence Sexton's work in Powell, Tennessee, at the Temple Baptist Church. I see that they have a Singles Ministry, which is exactly what I need, to be around other single people. I have been going it alone for too long by myself, and I simply cannot do this anymore. It is too much.
The Harvest Baptist Church on Guam, that could have made all the difference in my life, abandoned me when I tried to befriend them with the truth, and their lousy pastor fled the island for a better paying job in Iowa. Great fella, huh? Their school nurse liked me, and I liked her in 2017, but the hurtful pastors of her church played God with our lives, and made the decision for us instead. That blood is on their hands. I am a faithful fundamentalist, and they are no good Bob Jones University neo-evangelicals. My fallout with Harvest Baptist Church has been like another divorce for me, and like both divorces, I was the victim, because I didn't want either of them! I am tired of being ostracized by a bad church. I need to leave this neighbourhood and get away from these ungodly hypocrites. I need to find a bigger Baptist church, that uses only the King James Bible, that preaches a free grace Gospel (not the turning from your sins garbage at Bob Jones University). My faithful stand for THE TRUTH has cost me dearly. One of their ungodly pastors at Harvest, Jared Baldwin, even mocked me in 2015, after the pastors forced me out of their church, sarcastically saying: “How's your beliefs working out for your social life?” I wouldn't want to be in his shoes on judgment day, when he stands before God. What a stupid fool!
I am planning on leaving my musical instruments, and all my junk, on Guam in storage for a year. Lord willing, I'd like to rent for a year somewhere near Knoxville, Tennessee, and see how things go. I was also considering Pensacola, Florida, but I need a strong church that is family oriented, and I know Temple Baptist Church is. These are preliminary plans, we don't know what a day may bring. I just need to do something, or my depression will worsen. I admit that I am scared to move, and turn my life upside down, which is one reason I have held on so long. I actually did try to move to Knoxville in 2013, but I quickly became emotionally overwhelmed, still recovering from an unwanted divorce in 2006 and inexplicable loneliness, and I came back to Guam broken and tired in body and soul, living out of a suitcase in hotels for four months, which cost me $50,000 wasted money from the remaining equity in my home, which I lost because of the the divorce. God only knows the unbelievable emotional trauma, financial loss, pain of body and soul, and miseries that I have endured. Truly, meeting my first wife was the worst thing that ever happened to me! I knew I was making a big mistake when I married her, and I was absolutely right, tenfold so. She was the rottenness of my bones, kindly said.
I sure could use someone's earnest prayers. I feel lately like God has abandoned me, but I know He is with me. God tests all His saints, to see if they will continue to keep His Commandments (Deuteronomy 8:1-3; Luke 18:1-8; 1st Peter 1:7-9). I know when all this sorrow and weeping during the night is over, that joy cometh in the morning, and I shall come forth as gold. The sun will shine again! I don't know when, but it will, so promises our dear Lord (John 16:33).
I got hit by a church bus in 1992, while driving voluntarily for the Lord, at the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana. It was the second to worse accident in the history of the church. The bus that rear-end ours was totaled. The insurance company just bought the bus rental center a new bus, because it would have cost more than a new bus to try to fix it. The engine and transmission of the bus behind us were broken into hundreds of pieces on the road. That's how hard we were hit! My driver's seat was instantly broken off its hinges, and all that shock traveled through my neck, throwing it out of alignment for the rest of my life. This misalignment led to Cervical Degenerative Disk Disease (a deterioration of my neck). I have always had tension in my neck since the accident, which in 2004 became more intense, accompanied by constant toothache-like pain in the bony area in back. That pain has ruined my life.
I've had two major neck surgeries (2009 and 2010), which made me worse, leaving me with a constant feeling of physical burning throughout my nervous system (stenosis and radiculitis). As you can imagine, this irritates me, like the elephant with the thorn in his foot. One neurosurgeon explained it this way—If I tapped on your knee for 15 seconds it wouldn't bother you, but if I tapped on your knee for 5 years it would drive you crazy! That is what I am enduring day and night, 365 days a year! And I cannot even get Harvest Baptist Church on Guam to let me sit and listen to the sermons at their church, just 5 minutes from me, the biggest Baptist church on Guam. That is so shameful. God is my refuge, a shelter in the time of storm. I have also found comfort in loud music, which soothes my nerves when I am driving anywhere, as strange as that may sound. I like to feel the music. My neck pain and nerve burning is the new norm, and I handle and hide it well, but it is always there afflicting me, keeping me awake at night oftentimes. So I work on my website ministry. My 80 mg a day of prescription Oxycontin helps alleviate my neck pain tremendously, which I have been taking every day since 2010. Anyway, this is what I am dealing with.
I truly know how David felt. Psalms 142:4, “I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.” I am the nicest guy I know, but I get emotional easily, and most people don't understand a person like me, so they shun me. I cry in church. I get upset over false doctrine. I make a fuss. I speak my mind. I express my feelings when I love somebody. Oh that someone would love me back! My life will soon be over. At 53 I don't have much time left. I am ready to go anytime God takes me, I hate this damned planet. I have lived a bitter/sweet life. I haven't played a musical instrument in a few months. I am depressed and don't feel like playing music for the four walls to hear. Lord willing, I am going walking to soak up some sun with my shirt off in an hour, which helps me cope. I get to see the ocean every day on Guam, which is a blessing.
This Coronavirus hoax is hurting so many people's lives. Suicides on Guam have doubled for the year, yet there have only been 13 COVID-19 deaths. The government of Guam is weak, puppets, following whatever their U.S. government masters dictate to them. What spineless leaders! I see so many people hurting because of this lockdown, while people lose their livelihood and life's work, some committing suicide. Yet the stupid ungodly government must protect everyone from a virus, right! Last year 80,000 Americans died from the common flu virus, yet no one panicked. At most, all we heard was that there was a bad respiratory bug going around. You know that is true. Yet, now the government of Guam says, “We're in dire straights” (an exact quote). Yeah, they're murdering people by afflicting their lives unduly with this lockdown crap! Don't you tell me that the whole planet is infected! This is all a big Luciferian hoax, to further the New World Order, just like the fraudulent 911 attacks, which have been proven time and time again to be an Inside Job!
I like to share my heart from time to time with my web visitors. I really need a social life, and some friends, and a wife, and a church to get involved in. I have not a church family since 2014 at Harvest Baptist Church, which was one of the happiest years of my life, until I befriended them with the truth, and they cruelly cast me out of their group as a troublemaker. All I was trying to do is be their friend. Evangelist Tom Ferrell said at Harvest: “A friend helps a friend to see.” But when I did that very thing, I was counted their enemy, and have been ever since. Dr. Tom Ferrell's words were just empty rhetoric from their pulpit. So I am their enemy, because they are God's enemies. Psalms 27:12, “Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.” Those pastors of Harvest, former and present, had better hope with all their souls that I am not right about their damnable heresy of Lordship Salvation, because their eternal destiny is at stake.
I have had e-Harmony since 2017, for $5.95 a month, but not even one woman has contacted me with interest. Born-again Baptists with chronic neck pain are not in high demand...lol. It is also because I live on Gillian's Island at the butt-end of the rainbow! I have felt trapped in life for the past 10 years, struggling just to make it through each day. I've had all my personal belongings stack in my living room, as a storage area, waiting to move, since I move in back in 2014. That is depressing. I have not been living for the past 14 years, I have been surviving! Lord willing, I will see what the next several months bring, and then if nothing changes (which won't if history repeats itself), then by God's grace I want to make the leap and just move, and join a good Bible-believing church, and figure out how to restart my life when I get there. And of course, I have to wait and see where this Coronavirus mess is leading our world. Right now is not the time to move anywhere. I know that the key to the whole move is centering my life around a New Testament church, and that is my plan, Lord willing. Who knows, I could die of a massive heart-attack, after reading my electric bill...lol. One day at a time. I love you all so much in the name of our precious Lord Jesus Christ! END
