I want to share with you a true, but very sad story. This is about a young man who foolishly married a mentally disturbed woman (with many problems). The couple met in church and are both professed Christians. Unfortunately, their marriage has been an emotional rollercoaster from the start. This is the frightening true story of a hellish marriage, and of the faithful man who just hangs in there...staying with his problematic wife.
Here's a guy who goes to work every day faithfully to support his family. His wife stays at home and is supposed to be a "homemaker" (I never liked the term "housewife" because she's not married to the house). The man's wife has a problem...several problems. She doesn't clean the house. The kids don't do their homework. The kids get bad grades in school, the man simply cannot be a mother and a father to the children. His wife is cold towards him and has no interest in how his day went at work. She has no desire to kiss him. He comes home tired each day from work, life's pressures weighing down on him. Understandably, sometimes he is crabby.
His wife has no supervisor, so her husband has to reprimand her for not doing her duties at home. If the husband doesn't discipline her, then who's going to do it? She is not accountable to anyone else. He can't write her up. He can't fire her. He can't do anything more than try to encourage her by talking with her. If that doesn't work, he can get upset and watch her walk out the door (or he can just clean the house himself, even though his wife messes the home more than all the children combined). They talk about the problems and she agrees to do better, but she never does. She has a serious lack of character. The kids rooms are filthy, with garbage on the floor and things all over the place. None of the garbage pails have liners and the smell is horrible. The dishes stink, she hides them under the sink. She changes the babies diapers, and hides them in a dresser drawer. She has lost her mind. As much as her husband tries not to get upset with her, he is still human and does get upset from time to time. She is not working outside the home. It's obvious that she has had a mental breakdown, but her husband doesn't know how to deal with her.
In desperation, after a few years of troublesome marriage, the husband takes his wife to the doctor and she is diagnosed with "hormonal imbalance" due to pregnancy. However, as the children grow older her emotional/mental problems don't get any better. She goes to another doctor is is diagnosed with "clinic depression" and is prescribed a drug. The drug sedates her but doesn't prevent her from having panic attacks. So her doctor continues to increase her dosage until one day she falls on the floor helpless and her husband has to pick her up to carry her. The psychiatrists are worthless, doing absolutely nothing to help the woman. Her husband is tired and at the end of his rope, he doesn't know where to turn for help. His wife runs out the door for hours at a time every time he mentions anything negative concerning her lack of responsibility. She goes out in the middle of winter, barefoot in the snow, her feet are numb when her panic attack finally breaks. She is driving her husband nuts. Her husband is missing work because of problems at home with his wife. He tries not to get angry at her, but he is human and can only take so much. He says mean things which he shouldn't say. Her overwhelming fear triggers more panic attacks and she leaves for weeks at a time, he has no idea where she's at. He is always sorry for getting angry at her, but living with her is the most frustrating thing he has ever tried to do. He counsels with others...some advise him to file for divorce...others advise him to take her for more "professional" help. Her mind is unstable. He is tired. She is predictably unpredictable. The marriage is on the rocks.
The man just can't get his wife to
fulfill her responsibilities. To make matters worse, his wife lies to
him about many things. She has a problem with compulsive fear. She
lies for fear of being wrong and being reprimanded. She hides his mail
from him. The next time she leaves, he finds letters from collection
agencies from bills that she hid from him. She talks to people on the
phone behind his back, sometimes slandering him. When the husband is
loving towards her, she doesn't listen. When the husband gets angry, she
listens a little more. When the husband blows up, she leaves without
warning when his back is turned and runs to a shelter. She doesn't call
him for weeks, while the poor guy goes to work day after day...coming home to
an empty house. The poor husband just doesn't know what to do. The
husband reluctantly drops out of church because the wife keeps dragging people into their
marriage problems (some giving very bad advice). The husband is depressed and
tired from years of living with his wife, he disassociates from people. The wife is
emotionally unstable and suffers from often panic attacks. The average
person doesn't understand the wife's mental condition. Friends and
family become a threat to the marriage because of the wife's mental state and
their lack of understanding (and eagerness to give bad advice to a woman who
is impressionable and vulnerable). The husband just doesn't know where
to turn. He prays to God day after day, but nothing seems to help.
The husband is afraid to have any close contact with people because of his
wife's habit of running to the nearest person for help. She is a threat
because of her mental state. What's a husband to do?
After ten years of marriage, things don't improve. Though the married couple are Christians and don't believe in going to psychiatrists, the husband is desperate to know what's wrong with his wife. She goes to several psychiatrists and is diagnosed with "regressive anger"..."clinic depression" (again)...and "posttraumatic stress." His wife is sent to anger management class, given several different drugs over a five year period and is also given a major medical health examination. The doctors say that she is healthy. She does not have ADD according to three doctors. Her problem is mental/spiritual. None of the doctors or psychiatrists have helped her. After the insurance paid it's share, the husband still ended up paying out thousands of dollars in expenses for his wife to get help (help she didn't get). Her emotional fear, anxiety, and panic attacks continue. As a result of her emotional problems...she lies habitually out of fear, she hides things from her husband out of fear, she fears going to hell, she fears being committed to a mental institution, she fears being left behind at the rapture, she fears life itself. Though she says God saved her many years ago, she continually fears going to hell. She asks her husband if God is going to kill her for not being a better mother. She lives in a needless self-made world of fear. Her husband loves her and weathers through the stormy seas of life with her.
The husband is an organized type person, but his wife is disorganized and sloppy. The husband is frustrated because she refuses to communicate with him. She hides her feelings, letting them build up in secrecy until she has a breakdown and leaves (again). When the husband asks her if everything is truly ok, she always says yes. His wife swears on God's name that she'll never leave him again, and promises him that she will talk with him next time instead of leaving. He begs her to communicate with him and offers to do anything to make her happy. She agrees wholeheartedly, but has a history of breaking nearly all her promises. She lies again and leaves within days, and doesn't call for weeks. She admits being fearful and concedes that she is never going to change. Sometimes she takes the children, sometimes she does not.
His wife told him she wanted to find a new psychiatrist. She didn't drive a car so she asked her husband to drive her to the appointments. For three months her husband drove her to the appointments, dropped her off, and then came back an hour later to get her. We'll, he should have went with her because it turned out that there was NO DOCTOR in the first place. The man's wife made it all up for fear that she was going to be committed to a mental institution. She aimlessly wandered around for an hour each time, waiting for her husband to come back to get her. Once the man's wife found herself on a public transportation bus and didn't know how she got there. One day she gave her husband a drink. He guzzled the drink down and then noticed soap suds in the glass (with a horrible aftertaste taste in his mouth). She had failed to rinse the Ajax dishwashing detergent out of the glass. Would you be upset? On another occasion the poor guy had food poisoning from eating one of her salads. She was just a walking accident everywhere she went, and her poor husband suffered day and night because of it.
The husband's wife doesn't want to kiss him, saying she doesn't like "mushy kisses." The poor man is frustrated with his wife's lack of desire for sensuality or sex. She tells her psychiatrist that she has no feelings for her husband. She openly admits to her husband that she has been cold-hearted for the past several years. Yet, she continues to be as cold as ice. He gets angry at her sometimes when he sees a pretty woman, feeling like he's been cheated in life. His wife won't spend five minutes in front of a mirror to pretty herself up for him. She just doesn't care. He gives her a credit card and encourages her to buy whatever she needs to pretty herself up. She doesn't do it. He asks her to buy a book on "How to be Sensual." She won't order it. After several fights, she orders it...but then she won't read it. After several more fights, she finally reads it but won't try any of it. It's a constant uphill battle for the poor husband, fighting tooth-and-nail all the way to get his wife to be a wife. Then she leaves him when he gets angry with her.
The preceding is a true story.
I wanted to share this information with you to encourage you in your own marriage if you're having a difficult time. There's always someone who has it worse than you. I truly feel sorry for the couple, no one should have to live like that. The wife fears his temper. The husband fears that she will skip out and leave every time he gets upset. Realistically, he is a human being and will get upset at times (just as she is human and will not clean the house at times). Everyone has a problem, a shortcoming, an area of sin that is difficult to conquer. A husband and wife MUST allow each other to be human. She is afraid of him hurting her one day (even though her never has). She is afraid of the future. She fears going to hell. She fears being murdered. She fears God killing her. She fears many things. A man has a right to come home to a clean house, a nutritious home-cooked meal, and a loving wife. A man has a right to expect his wife to ensure that the children are properly being cared for, that their rooms are clean, that they are eating decent meals, etc. Likewise, a wife has every right to expect her husband to go to work and provide for the needs of the family. A wife has a right to live in her home without "fear" of her husband. No husband should yell at his wife or abuse her in any way. The problem is that we are all human beings, imprisoned in this "body of death" as the Apostle Paul calls it ("O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" -Romans 7:24). One hundred years from now, none of this will matter...life will be over. Think about that when your spouse upsets you.
It is clear that the woman has major emotional/spiritual issues. She is a horrible wife to that poor man. Yet, I know he loves her because he chooses to stay with her and try to make things work out. No marriage is perfect, some resembling train wrecks rather than meaningful relationships. Yet, let us remember that God hates divorce. Divorce is a sin. If there's going to be a divorce, then let it be your spouse that files for it...don't you do it. What God hath brought together, let no man put asunder (Matthew 19:6). Moses granted some of the Old Testament saints divorces because they were becoming hostile towards each other. However, this is NOT God's plan. Hebrews 13:5 promises that God will NEVER forsake His own; likewise, we should never forsake our spouse.
By the way, God hates prisons. God never one time told anyone to build a prison. In the Old Testament, you either made reconciliation for your crime or you were stoned to death (executed). God never intended for human beings to be locked up behind bars like animals in a cage. Such mental torture is not taught in the Scriptures. Perhaps the greatest evil of prisons is that they separate husbands and wives from each other. A man who receives life in prison guarantees that his wife's life is also over. God's way requires the man (murderer) to be executed and the wife is free to remarry if she so chooses. If a man goes to prison for life, then his wife is bound Biblically to remain married to him throughout life. If she divorces him, she is committing a great sin. If she remarries while her husband is still alive in prison, then she is also guilty of the wicked sin of adultery. These are horrible sins in the sight of God. The marriage vows don't change just because your spouse goes to prison (or whatever). "For better, for worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" is the promise that you made to God AND your spouse when you got married. God doesn't take lying lightly. In fact, it's one of the sins that will condemn a person to hell if they don't get saved (Revelation 21:8). Telling one lie is enough to send you to hell if you die without Christ as your Saviour.
Nothing should EVER come between a husband and wife, unless you both agree for a short time to be separated. If a spouse is abusive or you need time apart, then separate for a short time and seek marriage counseling...but NEVER file for divorce. Never make any hasty decisions when your decision maker is broken. Divorce is ugly with a capital "U"...don't do it. Find a good Independent Baptist church and seek counsel from the pastor. The key is to find a godly, soulwinning, man of God. If you are having marriage problems, you BOTH may need a referee (someone to help patch things up).
So if you're a tired husband, you are not alone. There is no pain as bad as when a man's wife leaves him and doesn't call. It's an unexplainable feeling except to say that some husbands have committed suicide during this time. Many husbands have been where you are now (in the abyss of life). It's at times like that when you realize that you and your spouse are surviving, not living. Hang in there!
It is important for husbands to realize that God placed them in charge of their family. 1st Peter 3:7 declares that the wife is "weaker" and must be dealt with as such. We must keep our heads when our wives don't. We must be patient and realize that sometimes our wives need a break from us, they get tired too. We must never panic, but try to relax by placing everything into God's hands. We can only repent to God of our sins and wrongs, and then ask our spouse to forgive us. We cannot guarantee our spouse that we will be perfect in the future. We need to think of ways to change things to make things better. Every argument should result in CHANGES to make things better. Ask yourselves, "What did we do wrong this time around?" Yet, no amount of change can eliminate the sinful flesh. Every marriage WILL have it's shortcomings and problems. We must realize that it's all part of being married. It's all part of the learning process. Yet, we must be wise enough to learn from our failures, sins, and mistakes so as to try not to repeat them again. Jesus said, go and sin no more (John 5:14). Jesus was always willing to forgive those who came to Him for forgiveness and healing, and then He told them not to make the same mistake again.
The first thing that most husbands and wives do when they get angry is threaten each other with divorce (which is wrong). This is particularly frightening for the husband because the woman very often stands to gain everything in a divorce. A wife should especially be very careful about deliberately scaring her husband with such threats of divorce as it has driven some husbands to insanity, murder and suicide. I don't think their is any crueler thing that a wife can do to her husband than to lead him to believe she is divorcing him. It is wicked and wrong. On the contrary, Jesus taught that we ought to forgive someone an infinite amount of times if they ask for forgiveness. A husband who apologizes to his wife and wants to reconcile should be allowed to do so as soon as possible (and vise versa). Prolonged bitterness and anger are not Christian at all, but have destroyed many marriages. I trust you will think on these practical helps.
"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." -Matthew 18:21-22
