Let's Include the Family
(Chapter 11 from Dr. Hyle's excellent book, Let's Build An Evangelistic Church)
So many preachers seem to have the idea that they must choose between the family and the work. This is not so. The truth of the matter is, the family is a part of the work. No preacher can be a good Christian unless he is a good father, a good husband and a good citizen.
The preacher who has a successful family life will do it on purpose and not accidentally. He must work and plan to have the proper relationship with his family. Many preachers' wives sacrifice what is rightfully theirs because preachers seem to think they must choose between being good evangelistic pastors and good husbands and fathers. Many children of evangelistic pastors do not receive what is rightfully theirs because of the same reason.
1. The Good Pastor Should Have a Happy Home
The pastor's evangelistic responsibilities and his family responsibilities supplement each other. Having a successful, happy family life will increase his evangelistic burden and make the pastor more successful in every phase of his work. No family should be more closely knit than the pastor's family. There are several reasons for this:
Because of the pastor himself. In many cases the loneliest person in the church is the pastor. Due to his responsibilities to all, often he has few intimate friends. Because of the fear of showing partiality, the pastor oftentimes leans away from any close personal ties. This should drive him to his family. Because of this situation, the pastor should solidify his family relationships and find a closeness with his family that perhaps none of his members would find with their families.
Because of his wife. Oftentimes the pastor's wife is the loneliest woman in the church. Criticism and experience may have led her away from having close personal friends as other ladies enjoy. Because of this, she, too, needs the blessedness of a happy, closely-knit home. Brethren, let's not forget our wives. The pastor should not forget his wife nor leave her out of his schedule.
Because of the children. Whether we like it or not, our children live in a glass house. Whether we believe it or not, our children are considered at school and at play somewhat different from other children. This is especially true when the pastor has strong convictions and does not allow his child to participate in school dances and other social functions that would be considered wrong by spiritual people. The pastor's child is often criticized at school. He is often laughed at and made fun of. Often he is excluded from social functions by the convictions of his parents, his own convictions, or by the students themselves. Once again he must turn to his family. He must find fun, pleasure, warmth, and love at home. The place that is left vacant at school and at play and in his social life must be filled by a warm, close, family tie at home.
Because of example. The Bible preacher must, of course, preach on the home. He must lead his people to have close home ties and a happy home life. The best way to do this is by example. We must live what we preach in our home life as well as in our personal life.
2. The Pastor and His Wife
The evangelistic pastor should definitely schedule time for his wife. He should make definite plans to be the proper kind of husband and to see that his wife is not overlooked in his busy schedule. There are several things he may do to help in this matter:
The pastor and his wife should stay in love. Preachers and their wives can be sweethearts, too. There is nothing wrong with the people of the church being aware of this situation. It is wholesome for the children to know that mother and father are in love with each other. Far too many of our young people think that handholding, kissing, and so forth is for the unmarried. The truth is just the opposite. It is for the married. Happy is the pastor who stays in love with his wife, and happy is the pastor's wife who has a sweetheart for a husband and pastor.
The pastor and his wife should spend time alone together. By very careful planning, the use of babysitters, careful budgeting of money and time, the pastor and his wife may spend many happy hours together. We have found it profitable in our home for Mrs. Hyles and me to visit together often. We perhaps will take the entire day, secure a babysitter, visit shut-ins and sick people in the morning, eat lunch together, then visit prospects in the afternoon. Often we find we need to get to know each other better, and it is refreshing to spend some time alone, just the two of us.
The pastor and his wife should win souls together. The preacher should not confine his spiritual activity to his preacher brethren and his members. Soul winning should be a part of his home as well as his ministry. Many homes would be happier if the husband and wife won souls together. Often Mrs. Hyles and I go visiting in the afternoon and see people saved. We have had many walk the aisle whom we won to Christ together in the homes.
We preachers should realize that if our wives are to stay spiritual and keep up with us in spiritual growth, we must include them in our spiritual activities. Many times a pastor comes to me complaining about the lack of spirituality manifested in his wife. Upon careful questioning, I find that he has never asked her to go soul winning with him, they have never visited together or won souls together. She has been tied up in the house with the children, with no outside spiritual interest or activity, thereby not having the opportunity for spiritual growth that her husband has had. This is tragic and sometimes leads to shipwreck in the home.
See that the pastor's wife has time alone. The busy pastor spends many hours in his study. This is as it should be. We must have time alone with God and His Book in order to know Him and the Book better. But how about the wife? Should not she, too, have time alone? Should not she, too, have some time to spend with God? Should not she, too, have some time to read the Book? I have found it convenient to baby-sit for my wife while she goes out for awhile. In the afternoon, when the children are at school and the babies are asleep, I can study just as well at home as I can at church. I can have privacy as I study at home and give the wife the car key and a few dollars and let her be by herself for awhile. At least half a day a week in this endeavor would brighten the life of many a pastor's wife and would enrich the home life of many a parsonage.
See that the wife spends some time with the children. By this, I mean time spent outside the house. The pastor's wife should become a pal with the children just as she must feed, clothe, and bathe them. This can only be possible when the pastor helps and encourages her in the planning of such outside activities.
Have regular appointments with the wife. Mrs. Hyles and I frequently have an appointment to eat together or to go somewhere together. For example, we often attend such things as flower shows, clean amusements, and so forth, with each other. When such a date is planned, I have an appointment with her just as I would have an appointment with someone else. If others want that time, I simply explain that I have a previous appointment. Should not our appointments with the family be kept as rigidly as those with the church members? What a shame to give the wife the left over time if there is any -- and there usually is none.
Be her pastor. This is one of the most difficult things about the ministry. The pastor's wife has just as much right to have a pastor as anyone else. Hence, she must have confidence in her husband. There must be times when she can talk with him about her problems and burdens. He should be as willing to advise her as he is to advise others. She should be able to retain her confidence in him, in order to have a pastor when one is needed. Of course this will necessitate being as good a Christian at home as you are at church, and being as good a Christian around your wife as you are around the wives of members. The pastor's wife should not have to sacrifice the right to have a pastor.
The pastor should not expect his wife to be his assistant pastor. Many a frustrated pastor's wife has thrown up her hands in failure and despair because she was unable to be all that she was expected to be. The pastor can remedy this situation with proper handling of the people and his wife. When the pulpit committee first contacts the pastor, the pastor Should make it clear that his wife is the pastor's wife and not the assistant pastor. He should make it clear that being a soloist, pianist, organist, visitation director, and so forth, are not necessary qualifications of being a successful pastor's wife. It is more important that she be a successful wife to the pastor than a successful assistant. She should be considered as just another good Christian in the church. Her duties would be the same duties that any other good Christian wife would perform.
The pastor should protect the wife's privacy. Far too many parsonages are akin to Grand Central Station. Far too many pastors' homes are busier than Times Square. Often members take advantage of the pastor's home to make it their lounging place during an off-day, their stopping place during a ten-minute break, and the gossip center for all recent news. This can be avoided if the pastor will protect his wife's privacy. Why not use the study for conferences instead of the living room? When someone calls for a conference, why not meet them at the church? To be sure, the pastor's home should be open to guests, and the pastor and his wife should welcome guests, as any other family should. But this can be abused to the extent that the poor preacher's wife knows nothing of privacy in the home. The pastor may prevent this by doing his work at the office, his counseling at church, and planning the schedule of his family so there will not be enough idle time for such things as mentioned above.
The pastor and his wife should eat out alone once a week. This does not mean a sirloin steak necessarily. It could mean a 15-cent hamburger and a milkshake. Personally, I yearn for fellowship with my wife and for time to talk together. This can be done during one meal a week -- eating anything from a hot dog and a soft drink to a thick steak in an elite restaurant.
The pastor should help his wife around the house. It has been my policy for many years to wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen on Sunday morning while the wife dresses the family for church. When the wife is exceptionally busy, the pastor could wash the dishes some evening for her. We must watch out that this does not become a daily routine and ritual, but it would be nice as an occasional gesture. God help us pastors and wives to like each other, to love each other, and to know each other.
3. The Pastor and His Children
In reading the biographies of scores of great preachers and knowing literally hundreds of preachers personally, I have noticed that many preachers' children do not turn out right. Much of this could be avoided. As the writer of old said, "They made me the keeper of the vineyard; but my own vineyard have I not kept." The pastor should see to it that he is a good father and that his children do not have to sacrifice a father on the altar of being the preacher's kids. Following are suggestions for the pastor and his children.
Be expressive in love. Children should be taught to love their father and mother and to be expressive in such love. Such things as kissing good-by, kissing good night, and expressions like, "I love you, Daddy," and "I love you, Johnny," should be in the pastor's schedule. Through the years I have found it very advisable to take each child alone periodically and make love to the child. Tell him that you are proud to be his father and proud that he is your son. Tell him how you thank God for giving him to you and how you pray for God to use him in the future. Such moments are tender and precious and will certainly make richer the life of the child.
Many times young people come to me and say, "Brother Hyles, I feel I can talk to you, but I cannot talk to my parents." This would not be true if the parents spent some sweet hours during the child's life in expression of love and building of confidence.
The pastor should be pals with the children. Every week the pastor should include in his schedule some time with the children. Trips to the zoo, the park, a vacant-lot ball game, and other activities, would certainly endear the pastor to his children, and vice versa. One dollar invested in an amusement park where the children can ride the Ferris wheel or the merry-go-round would be a dollar invested in the life of the child. My daughters and I have through the years had occasional dates. I will take them out to eat or take them for a sandwich. I open the car door for them, help them out of the car, help them be seated at the restaurant, talk to them about their problems, help them back in the car, and act like we are on a date. This has been a thrilling experience through the years for me and for the children.
Not only should some time be spent with the children, but some time should be spent alone with each child. Each child should feel that he has a special place in his father's life and heart. There is a certain security that the only child in a family feels, that children in larger families do not feel. This security could be felt if periodically each child was the only child for an hour or so.
Pray daily for each child. Oh, how our children's lives should be bathed in our prayers! How we should take their names before the throne of grace every day, asking God to bless them and use them and make them what He wants them to be. Also, we should pray with the child. When my oldest girl was five or six years old, she had her first tooth to be pulled. I tried to pull it but could not. Frankly, I was a little nauseated and chickenhearted. I told her that it was not ready. She said, "Daddy, let's pray and ask Jesus to help us pull it." We bowed our heads, asked Jesus to help us pull the tooth, and, believe it or not, it came out the next jerk!
The pastor should train his children. This is especially true in the case of the son. Spending periodic times in teaching the child how to shake hands, look someone in the eye when they talk, behave in public and other things, would certainly reap dividends in the future. This could be done a few minutes before supper. It could be done on the way to church sometime. It could be done in the evening before going to bed.
The pastor should win souls with his children. This is one of the most precious things of my life. Periodically I take my children who are old enough soul winning with me. We have had some blessed experiences. Becky (who is now ten) and I have won many people together. One day we won a lady to Christ. Shortly after, the lady came to church, brought her ten-year-old daughter, and Becky won the daughter to Christ. A few weeks later the father was saved, and now the family is happy in the Lord. One day recently Becky and I had the joy of leading three to Christ in an afternoon. She has learned to be a soul winner, and just two days ago was telling me that in the last three months she herself had won eleven people to Christ.
One day she called me over and said one of her friends was ready to be saved and she wanted me to talk to her friend. I said to her in the presence of her friend, "What did you call me for? You have taken the soul winning course. You have seen me win scores of people. You win her." I sat there with the children as Becky went through the plan of salvation, the Roman Road. She led the child to pray, prayed herself, then lead the child to Christ. I questioned the child very carefully and was assured the child had real conversion. She told her mother, her mother was convinced the child was saved, and the child was baptized the next Sunday night.
Again I say, do not keep your soul-winning blessings away from the family.
The pastor should teach his children. Do not leave all of the teaching up to the Sunday School teachers and superintendents and what you teach in the pulpit. The pastor should teach the Bible to his children. The way we do this most effectively is by having the children outline my sermons on Sunday. My boy David, who is now eight, has a big stack of sermon outlines he keeps. He outlines every sermon I preach.
Going home from church, at home from church, or sometime during the week, we review the sermon, high points, the story involved, and instruct the children as to the teachings in the sermon that they should understand. May God help us as preachers and evangelistic pastors to be good fathers, rearing our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
4. The Pastor's Wife and the Pastor's Children
As mentioned previously, the pastor's wife should take time with the children. This is one of the most difficult things in the life of a busy pastor. It must be planned and carefully adhered to. Let us notice some suggestions about this matter.
The pastor's wife and children should not have lives filled with drudgery. The pastor's wife should have fun with the children. She, too, should spend time alone with them. Mrs. Hyles often takes the children with her window-shopping, out to eat, grocery-shopping, or to buy necessary clothes for them. Each of these occasions should be planned and made into a big event. Someone has said that the mother is the one the child wants when in need and the father is the pal the child wants when wanting to play. This should not be so and would not be so if the mother would take time with the children for entertainment and fellowship outside the house.
The mother should train and teach the children. Due to the many and varied activities of the pastorate, much of the training and teaching of the children will be left to the pastor's wife. The best example I know of is Susannah Wesley. Even though she was the mother of nineteen children, she took time each week for each child alone. For example, every Thursday night John Wesley spent some time alone with his mother. She taught him manners, graces, habits, and other things a young man should know. My, what dividends were reaped in the lives of John and Charles Wesley! Great dividends could be reaped in your home and mine, too.
The pastor's wife should discipline herself and her schedule to include the children. No doubt the hardest life in the family to discipline is that of the mother. Hence, it is best to have a definite time and a definite day. The father can baby-sit or let the wife have the car and a few dollars to spend with her children.
5. The Entire Family
Togetherness should be the word for the pastor's family. There are many things that can be done together and should be done together to bind tighter the unity of the family.
Meals should be eaten together. The pastor and his family should definitely enjoy times of fellowship around the table. This is scriptural and right. How sad it is when different members of the family eat at different times of the day. For many years now, we have taken time in the morning for a good breakfast together. This starts the day off with the family circle complete. We can discuss the day's activities and have a little fun together around the table.
The family may spend the evenings together. I work my schedule so as to have a certain amount of evenings to spend with the family. When I schedule an evening with the family, it is just as much a scheduled day as if I had a speaking engagement. Oh, if the pastor would just give his family the same privileges he gives others.
Good games can be played together. There are many good, clean games that can be purchased for next to nothing and can be enjoyed by the entire family. Occasionally we make it a point to purchase a new game that the family can play together. Of course, the pastor must be very careful not to win too much, lest he break up a happy home!
The family should go to church together. We have made it a habit through the years to try to go to church together. In other words, not one at one time and another at another time, but all of us as a family unit preparing for church together, helping to dress the little ones and getting off to an early start to enjoy the trip to church. These can be precious moments.
The family should eat out together. About once a week, it is always good for the entire family to go out to some restaurant to eat. This should be announced early so that the children can look forward to it. This is always a refreshing, delightful time. Take a couple of hours for it. Do not be in a hurry. Sit around the table, eat slowly and have a big time. It can be a real help in solidifying family life.
The family should take a vacation together. We look forward every year to vacation time. We plan a real active vacation, with a real good time for everybody. Start early in planning the vacation. Remind the children about the number of days until vacation time. One of the best ways in the world to keep a happy family is to look forward to events together. With proper planning and promotion, the family can have wonderful times daily looking forward to events such as the vacation.
The family should play together. There are many family amusements that can be done within the convictions of the average pastor. There should definitely be time scheduled in the pastor's life where the family can have some amusement time together. I have always hoped that my children would make their home the center of their amusement life. If the pastor and his wife plan properly, the children can have more fun at home and with the family than they can with others. The reason many of our children today go away from home for their fun is that there is so little fun at home. The reason they want to spend more time apart from the family is that they have more fun apart from the family. May God help us to direct and plan our children's lives so the family can play together.
There should be the family altar time. Perhaps the one family in the church that finds it hardest to have a family altar is the pastor's family. The schedule is interrupted so much and there are so many different activities separating the family members. We have found it best to have our family altar in the evening. We have four children. We all get on one of the beds in the house, sit up and listen to the reading of the Bible. Due to the age of our children, we do not have a lengthy Bible reading. We take turns in reading -- one night I will read, one night Mrs. Hyles will read, one night Becky will read, and occasionally our eight-year-old David will read. After that we ask a question or two about the Bible reading. We memorize one verse a week and go over it each evening. Then we kneel around the bed and pray one at a time. Cindy, who is two, usually must be told what to pray. Linda, who is four; David, who is eight; and Becky, who is ten, say their own prayers. Then Mrs. Hyles prays and I close.
The family altar time is never camp-meeting style. It never reminds one of a Billy Sunday revival. But it is a time when each one in our family hears each other one in the family call his name in prayer. This should be done in all homes and especially in the pastor's home.
The Bible has the answer to every problem. May God help the pastor to have a Bible home so he can help in solving the problems of those who have home difficulties within his church. May God use these few suggestions to make our home and yours what it ought to be.
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