Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Table of Contents
I dedicate my book on dating to my beloved college students who have taught me more than I could ever teach in return, who have challenged and inspired me to reach new heights with God, who have provoked me to holiness by their sincere love and zeal for God, who have made me feel like a hero while they take the five loaves and two fishes I gave them in a classroom and feed multitudes and serve with honor and distinction on the front lines of the battlefield. Without you, I have no ministry. Without you, I have no purpose.
My wife set aside an entire semester of teaching at college in order to help me produce this book. Would anyone be surprised by such a personal sacrifice and investment from the author of A Wife 's Purpose? She is an author herself, but much more; she is the incarnation of her own philosophies and teachings. Through her, I have obtained favor with the Lord. Thank you, Cindy. I love you!
Linda Stubblefield is a godsend to First Baptist Church and Hyles-Anderson College. For all of us who fantasize of being an author, our dreams would remain only air castles were it not for the tireless devotion and indispensable knowledge from this typesetter, advisor, proofreader, "get-it-to-the-publisher-without-error-and-on-time time" worker. Thank you, Linda.
To my preacher, Dr. Jack Hyles, whose principles all of us authors at First Baptist Church "borrow" and reword and put into print. Dare any of us here at First Baptist Church and Hyles-Anderson College think we would have words worth writing or an audience to read them without his wisdom or influence? Thank you, Preacher!
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God,
and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you."
(Matthew 6:33)In prefacing my book, I would like to make a few important personal statements regarding the subject of dating.
I am not an advocate of teenage dating, and by that I refer to junior high and high school dating. The benefits are negligible, and the complications are many. Too much life is wasted on temporary romances that rob teenagers of quality time with their families, learning practical trades and skills, studying diligently, or being involved in Christian activities such as soul winning.
Many of us who work with teenagers would love to see Jesus Christ, a parent, or a bus kid receive the attention and affection given by teens to their junior high and high school sweethearts.
Then, too, I find Christian teens ignorant of basic human relationship principles. They appear untaught, untrained and undisciplined in the most important area of life — human interpersonal relationships.
To be sure, many who promote teenage dating do so with the premise that teenagers will only learn these important disciplines as they enter dating relationships. I question the wisdom of that logic. But then, I find in every relationship of life that we are often ill-equipped and poorly trained to fully nurture the relationship, whether it be marriage, parenting, or career employment.
Relationships suffer because we assume we know what to do, how to do it, and that everything will somehow work out in the end. One needs only to look at the divorce rate, child abuse, child neglect, teenage crime and career job happiness polls to quickly see that we are not succeeding in the relationships that matter most. And I have not even mentioned man's relationship to God.
It is my opinion that dating could be totally eliminated, and marriages would fare the same or better. I simply do not believe that teenage dating is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. To the contrary, I think premature dating or excessive dating can be detrimental to learning the basic disciplines that will build strong marriages and families.
Now after saying that, I must also state that I am not going to give my life to eliminating teenage dating. There are nobler causes at stake. I believe if parents, teenagers and young adults will give this book a thorough reading, I can help them build some foundation stones upon which they can build a strong marriage and a happy family.
In Bible days, the parents played a much more dominant role in the selecting of their child's mate than do the parents in western civilization today. This is even true of parents in the middle and far east cultures today. Take for example Abraham's detailed plan to get a wife for his son Isaac. Not only did Isaac not date, he did not even so much as see whom he was going to marry until after the lady had agreed to marry him (sight unseen) and had left her family to travel to and live where Isaac lived. A hired servant arranged the details, and Isaac agreed to marry the one the servant brought back because Isaac trusted his father. Keep in mind that this is the same Isaac who trusted his father when Abraham began to offer Isaac as a sacrifice on Mt. Moriah.
I'm afraid that kind of trust is rarely earned or given today by fathers and sons.
Teenagers, parents, and youth workers have tough questions. Many teens are getting unwise or conflicting answers from peers or unchristian sources. This leads to confusion and frustration which often leads to rebellion and heartache.
Many ask, "What, if anything, does the Bible have to say about dating?"
The practice of dating is not much found in the Bible. I suppose you could say that Jacob "dated" Rachel (even though he wound up marrying Leah), or you could possibly suggest that Boaz "dated" Ruth. (It is interesting to note that Boaz was 70 years older than Ruth. She was 40, he was 110.) Dating is more of a western culture practice.
Of course, Samson apparently dated Delilah and another woman whose name is not mentioned, but both of these women were unsaved and ungodly. Samson's relationships with them resulted in great heartache and tragedy for Samson and his family. Dating as we know it today in America is more of a modern idea practiced mostly in the western countries.
And yet, I hope you will see in this book, the Bible has a tremendous amount of practical advice for modern dating teens. Most teenagers are pretty much left to themselves in their dating. A sad comment I often hear when counseling teenagers about their parents involvement in their dating is, "My parents just want me to be happy." That statement can be tragic and irresponsible. I believe happiness is a by-product of developing godly character and building strong relationships according to the Word of God.
I have two children whom I love dearly. I, too, want them to be happy. But more than I want them to be happy, I want my children to do the will of God. I have found that the happiest people are those who obey God's plans.
How I wish I could get every parent to be as actively concerned about the choice of a mate for their child as was Abraham for Isaac.
Several years ago, I counseled with a lovely teenage girl whom I had known since she was a little girl. Her father is a friend of mine, but he took a very casual involvement in her life's calling and in her dating. She related a vile and rebellious dating lifestyle that she chose because "she was just trying to be happy."
It is my sincere desire to help both teenagers and parents with this book. I do not profess to be an expert, though I have had many thousands of counseling sessions with dating, engaged, and married couples.
No book can address all the particular situations a person may encounter. Please use this book as a practical guide. Where specific problems arise that warrant more personal help, please consult with your pastor or other spiritual advisors.
"To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven."
(Ecclesiastes 3:1)In August of 1976 when I was eighteen years old, I attended a national conference on revival and soul winning in Atlanta, Georgia. While listening to a 50-year-old preacher named Jack Hyles, I learned that he had a daughter two years younger than I. Dr. Hyles mentioned how his 16-year-old daughter would snuggle up by him as they rode home from church on Wednesday night together. She would ask her daddy if he got any preacher boys on fire during his weekly travels.
Something stirred inside my 18-year-old soul, and I knew somehow that I was hearing about a girl I would love to meet and date. Something told me deep inside that one day I would meet her. The problem was she lived in Munster, Indiana; I lived in Holland, Michigan. And I was attending college in Owatonna, Minnesota. How would I ever meet her?!
During that conference in Atlanta, my parents met a man who shortly thereafter became the pastor of our home church in Michigan. His name is Jim Binney, and he is a graduate of Hyles Anderson College in Crown Point, Indiana. Hyles-Anderson College is operated by Dr. Jack Hyles.
During the December Christmas break of 1976, my new pastor, Brother Binney, called me into his study and asked me why I was not attending Hyles-Anderson College. I replied that my previous pastor had counseled me to attend college in Minnesota. He answered, "I'm your pastor now, and I'm counseling you to transfer to Hyles-Anderson College."
I did transfer, and I found myself wondering in my heart if this could all be part of God's plan to help me meet that single, spiritual, snuggling girl I had heard about in August.
After my first church service at First Baptist Church in Hammond, I was waiting on my ride. Alone, I stood in the giant auditorium of the First Baptist Church and wondered how it could be filled week after week. A lady approached me and said, "I know who you are, and I know whom you should marry." I stepped back in a bit of a shock at her statement of knowing me and prophesying my marriage. I managed a weak recovery and asked who she might be. The lady responded, "I am your new pastor's mother-in-law, and I think you should date and marry Brother Hyles' youngest daughter Cindy.
Now I was thoroughly surprised. Had I somehow leaked my deepest thoughts and wonderment to someone? How could anyone possibly know that this was the very girl I had hoped to meet?
I thanked her and excused myself to catch my ride. Upon arriving back at my dormitory room, I climbed onto my top bunk and sat down to digest this unusual evening. My new roommate, Rick, approached me and said, "I've been thinking about you today, and I came up with a name of a girl I think you'd like to date."
"I hope she's the same one I'm supposed to marry," I said with a grin.
"I didn't know you were even dating anyone," he said.
"I'm not," I answered, "but a lady at church this evening told me whom I should marry."
Rick tried to get me to tell him who it was, but I was a little embarrassed and thought it a bit too presumptuous to tell him.
Finally, Rick said, "Well, for what it's worth to you, I honestly think you should date Cindy Hyles."
"You gotta be kidding," I shot back.
"Why?" Rick asked. "What's wrong with that idea?"
"Well, nothing," I choked out. "But, you see, that's the same person this lady tonight said I should date and marry."
"Well, now," Rick pompously stated, "you see how God is obviously working this out for you two."
And God was working it out. Two interesting incidents occurred after my arrival at Hyles-Anderson College and before my meeting Cindy. One month after I arrived, Mrs. Hyles was speaking at a banquet in my home church in Holland, Michigan. When she arrived home about 1:00 a.m., she woke Cindy and said, "I met the parents and family of a young college boy named Jack Schaap. Do you know him or have you heard about him?"
Cindy replied that some of her girlfriends had mentioned a new college guy by that name, but no, she had not met him. Mrs. Hyles continued, "I think you should meet him because he sounds like a young man in whom we would be interested for you."
This was the first time Cindy's parents had ever "promoted" a boy to her. Usually it was her trying to "sell" them on a guy she thought was "cute."
The second incident occurred a little later. My parents were down from Michigan visiting me. My mother and I were standing in the church lobby waiting for my father. Several young ladies walked by quickly, obviously in a hurry. I would guess there were about five or six.
My mother touched my arm, pointed to a young lady, and said, "Who is that young lady there?"
"That is Cindy Hyles, Brother Hyles' youngest daughter," I replied.
My mother then shocked me by saying, "God just told me that that is the girl I've been praying for you to marry all your life." I was stunned. I had never told my parents my deep thoughts since that August conference in Atlanta. But even as I write these words, I thrill to remember how God providentially worked in our lives to bring us together.
I was introduced to Cindy Hyles not long after, and we had our first date. She was seventeen; I was nineteen. Two years and two months later, she became Mrs. Jack Schaap. To be honest, I loved her from day one. I knew it was right in my spirit; my parents knew it was right; my pastor knew it was right; Cindy's parents knew it was right; and Cindy knew it was right. God was the One Who engineered it behind the scenes.
One month after we had started dating, Cindy's best friend said to her about me, "That man has always loved you, and he always will." What a perceptive friend — she was right.
Within that same month, Cindy's dad told her that I was different, and that she should be very wise and careful with our relationship because he suspected I might be the right one.
I live a very "know-so" life. I know that I am saved. I know that I was created for a purpose. I know that God wants me to be a preacher. I know that I am serving where I am supposed to be. I know I am living where I am supposed to live. I know I married God's perfect choice for my life.
How I wish every one of you reading these words could know these things in your life as surely as I do. And I am convinced God has a place for you to do what He wants you to do and a person for you to marry, just as surely as He had Cindy Hyles Schaap and me for each other.
My prayer is that the principles and practical advice of this book will help you to come to know the will of God in your dating and marriage.
