Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Twenty-Three
Questions and Answers
"The preparations of
the heart in man,
and the answer of the tongue, is from the LORD."
(Proverbs 16:1)
The following questions came from high school and college-age dating couples. I would love to hear from you if you have a general dating question not found in this chapter. Of course, specific questions should be directed to your pastor or parents or counselor.
Question: What do you do when your dad is jealous of your boyfriend?
Answer: Don't talk about your boyfriend at home. If your dad brings up his name, don't comment. Ask Dad if you and he can have a "date" together somewhat regularly. Show your dad affection as you did when you were "his little girl." Be interested in your dad's work and hobbies. Brag on his strength and good looks. Don't compare him with your boyfriend.
Question: "Just because you are in love doesn't' mean that you should get married," is a statement I have heard preached. If God only has one perfect will for a mate, why does He allow people to have these feelings for just anyone? It seems that if He saved "falling in love " for just the one person you're supposed to marry, it would make finding that person a lot easier.
Answer: The Bible says that Solomon loved a thousand women. It is very possible to "fall in love" with many people. Love is a decision, and married love is a decision to love only one person. You date to confirm or dismiss a particular person as being worthy of that love.
Question: What is the outcome of dating someone of a different religion, such as a Baptist dating a Catholic?
Answer: Heartache, frustration, confusion, parents who are angry and hurt, a broken-hearted pastor, confused children and a home that is not built on a solid foundation is the outcome.
Question: What can you suggest to help someone who has a great fear of dating?
Answer: Well, if you are a boy, I suggest you take a girl to a larger social activity where you won't feel the pressure to plan the date or to keep the conversation going. Double dates also help as you can learn by observing other couples.
If you're a girl, you can keep in mind that the boy wouldn't have asked you out if he didn't want to be with you. I would imagine your fear is from inexperience. The right boy with a well-planned date will remove your fears after a couple of dates. Everybody is a little scared at first. But, that's part of the dating game.
Question: What should I do when I like a girl but another boy likes her too?
Answer: If they are not dating and if he's not your best friend, ask her out. If he's your best friend, you might want to wait it out or talk it over with him, though you might not be very happy with the conversation.
Question: Is it good to play hard to get?
Answer: I don't particularly like it. The opposite is worse, however. I like a girl who is classy without being snobbish, and fun without being flirty. If a boy asks you out and he's the right kind of boy, say "yes." And then don't hang around him waiting for the next invitation.
Question: Is it proper for the girl to initiate praying before a date?
Answer: I don't think so. If the two of you occasionally pray together, and you have a particular burden or prayer request, you could ask him to pray for you. If he never prays with you, ask him if he would consider putting something on a prayer list that is of concern to you, i.e., a family member, a new convert, a bus kid and so forth. A sharp young man will probably offer to pray about it with you right there.
Question: Is it all right for a couple to discuss one of his/her problems that are not related to their relationship since a couple should mainly want to be positive and not negative?
Answer: I would have to know the topic of the problem to answer more wisely, but as a general rule, dating is about two unique people learning to communicate well. That would certainly include each person's unique perspectives on life and their related experiences in life.
Question: Is it necessary to be dressed up when you are around a boyfriend such as at school? Or should you only dress up when you are on a date?
Answer: How you dress should fit the occasion. Obviously, you have school clothes and "Sunday dress clothes." Also, I'm sure you have sportswear. All these are acceptable as long as they are appropriate for the event or activity or plan for the date. I would avoid sloppy clothing to show your respect for your date.
Question: In a dating relationship, can there be too much fun and not enough serious time?
Answer: Certainly! But I wouldn't worry about it until you have dated two to three months. If by then you do not feel there is enough serious time, bring it up for discussion. The "fun" might be a cover for his/her introverted personality.
Question: If your parents have a different opinion on dating than your pastor, with whose opinion should you go?
Answer: The stricter of the two. Ultimately, your parents have the final word in your life if you live at home, or if they support you financially in college.
Question: How can you express to your boyfriend that you care for him — besides just doing things for him?
Answer: Brag on his character and spiritual works. Give him your undivided attention when he is talking to you. Be present at important events in his life and the lives of his family (if invited).
Question: When dating, should you look for someone whose personality is totally opposite or very much like your own? Should this be based on the kind of person with whom you get along best?
Answer: I would not look for any particular kind of personality. I would look for character and a good spirit. Personality is a bit like hair color or fingerprints. Everybody has his own, but I wouldn't go looking for a specific one.
Question: What do you do when you and your date have had a discussion about a previous problem, and it is fine; but afterwards someone else tells you a new angle to the problem?
Should you talk to him about it to see if it is true?
Answer: Well-meaning friends seldom help a dating relationship. Decide whom your counselors will be, and ignore the advice from others. I do not give unsought advice nor do I receive it. I may smile agreeably, but I treat it like the proverbial water on a duck's back.
Question: What would you do if you're dating a good Christian girl with whom you have a great time, and quite possibly she is the one, but she does things that nag you? What is a nice way to tell her?
Answer: Learning how to communicate and talk through differences and problems is what serious dating is all about. Discussing negative issues is an art. First, choose a good time. Ask her if she would meet you at a convenient time to discuss a question you have. Secondly, tell her what you do like about her. Next, bring up the negative in the form of a question, not an accusation. Fourth, give her time and attention to state her feelings. Fifth, thank her for being understanding and mature about the problem. And lastly, if you can't come to an agreement, agree to seek counsel together.
Question: There are two girls who pester me in front of my girlfriend to upset her. What should I do about this situation?
Answer: Welcome to the real world of politics and pressures of love! Real winners don't get angry at those who didn't race. I would avoid them and ignore them.
Question: What do you do as a girl who is really good friends with a guy, and he dates a girl who is jealous of your friendship?
Answer: This is painful in two ways. First, if you are good friends with this boy, there's a possibility you "feel" like he's more than just a friend. His girlfriend obviously suspects that, and her jealousy confirms it. Your hopes of dating him are crushed. Secondly, if you were sincerely just friends, your ethics must dictate backing off from the friendship to allow their dating relationship room to grow as they wish. The only way to win this is by great patience and making new friends.
Question: When is the immediate authority over a girl transferred from her father to her fiancé?
Answer: Technically, it is transferred on the wedding day. Practically, it began when the couple realized they loved each other and knew in their hearts they would marry. The wise daddy gradually allows himself to lose the contest with his future son-in-law; and the wise son-in-law allows his future father-in-law to stay in control until the wedding day.
A fiancé should not presume he's in charge. He should still abide by family plans and schedules, obey curfews and chaperon rules. As in all authority situations, you are allowed to rule yourself the more you prove yourself capable to do so.
Question: In the case of high-school dating couples, is it too personal for the young man to buy a dress for his date?
Answer: Yes, I think clothing is too personal for high school students to purchase for one another regardless of how long they have been dating. As a general rule, I would not recommend a high-school dating couple to buy anything for each other that they would not consider buying for any other good friend in high school.
Question: What kinds of gifts would require the approval of your girlfriend's dad?
Answer: Jewelry and clothing are the most obvious. Of course, a boy should never be buying personal items for his girlfriend that only her parents and she should purchase. Generally, flowers, stuffed animals, decorations for her room and food are items that do not need her dad's approval. It might be wise to get her dad's approval before you purchase something expensive.
Question: If a couple should not spend unscheduled time together, what should you do when you see one another, and there is time for conversation? Should you walk away and risk being thought of as rude?
Answer: I'll give you two answers. (1.) Be looking daily for things you can talk about with your date. A joke, a story, a lesson from school, a sermon, a family anecdote, and a good book you are reading are some ideas. (2.) Talk for about 10-15 minutes and then leave. It is better to be brief and wonderful, than long and boring.
Question: What exactly does it mean to date someone who takes pride in his name?
Answer: By pride, I do not mean a superior attitude. I define it as respect and admiration for their family testimony and an attitude of concern to guard the honor and reputation of their parents and loved ones.
Question: How do you know if you are dating too seriously? If so, how do you slow the dating relationship?
Answer: Let me give you a little checklist.
- Do your parents complain that all you talk about is your girl/boyfriend?
- Do you find yourself angry that you must leave your girl/boyfriend to go on a family vacation?
- Are you on the phone more than three times a week or more than fifteen minutes per call with your girl/boyfriend?
- Do your friends complain that you never have time for them anymore and you're not yet a sophomore in college?
- Are your grades and other responsibilities suffering because you spent unscheduled time with your girl/boyfriend?
- Do you wonder if you are too serious?
- Have you discussed marriage, children, weddings or other serious topics, and you're not engaged yet?
- Do you feel like you're missing out on part of your life at that stage, and justifying it by telling yourself you must sacrifice for love's sake?
If your answer is "yes" to one or all of these, you might very well be too close
To slow down, (1.) Express your concern to your girl/boyfriend. (2.) Suggest you put yourselves on a stricter and more limited dating schedule. (3.) Stop discussing intimate matters immediately. (4.) Ask your parents or pastor to monitor your relationship for a few months. (5.) Schedule your friends and family back into your life.
Question: How can a guy or a girl stay interested in each other and not get too serious?
Answer: Four things determine "staying interested."
1. Date a person you really want to get to know.
2. Date by schedule (not too often).
3. Have shorter dates rather than longer dates.
4. Have creative dates instead of boring dates where you do the same old things.
Question: How many dates should a college couple have every month if they are serious?
Answer: Here is how I would chart a normal relationship that lasts 24 months giving you the number of times per week that the couple meets.
1-3 months 1-2 dates per week
3-6 months 2-3 dates per week
6-12 months 3-4 dates per week
18-24 months 5-6 dates per week (engaged)
Of course, not all of these dates will be lengthy. Even engaged couples should limit their lengthy dates to 1-3 per week. The other times would include a brief lunch, a 30-minute walk, a 30-minute breakfast, a 1-hour activity, etc.
Question: Without her getting angry, how do you break up with a girl?
Answer: I'm not sure it is possible to control the feelings of another person. If she really likes you and desires to continue the relationship, you may have to face her anger. Also, her anger shows a little of her immaturity. It would be understandable if she were upset, but her anger shows she does not have control of her emotions. It was probably a good thing you broke up.
Question: What do you do when a guy will not take "no" for an answer?
Answer: Tell your dad, and let him care for the matter. If you do not have a dad, tell your pastor or counselor. I have told many men "no" for several young ladies.
Question: Do you think teenagers should date in high school, and what do you think about dating around in high school?
Answer: I don't prefer it. (Please read my Preface to this book.) However, I won't change it, and have no desire to do so. What I do suggest and prefer is that high-school teenagers have many friends, some of both gender. I think it would be very appropriate to spend some time with just one of these friends on a non-regular, non-serious basis. I would not settle down with one steady date, but rather, I would seek the company of my friends as a whole and, on occasion, with each of them individually.
Obviously, you may find yourself having strong feelings for a certain person. That is normal and wonderful, but don't let it determine your social life. That kind of feeling may come and go for a number of different people throughout your teenage years. Reserve your steady and serious dating for your college days.
Question: What is your opinion of double-dating in high school?
Answer: If both sets of parents approve both couples, the date is well-planned, and the oldest couple is at least 18 years old, I could approve it.
Question: Is it too early to go steady in high school?
Answer: I think so, but I doubt if too many people agree with me unless they have counseled hundreds and thousands of couples as I have.
Question: What would be the correct response at the end of a date?
Answer: "Thank you very much. I enjoyed everything, especially (something unique to that date)," would be an appropriate statement. Then send a thank-you note or a card of gratitude.
Question: Would you consider sitting with a guy in church if he asked you just before the service?
Answer: If you are 14, 15, or 16 years old, probably not, unless your parents agree. If you are 21 or older, probably yes.
Question: How do you know if you are in love?
Answer: You know you are "in love" when you decide to love that person. Love is a decision. That may be a little difficult for a young teen to grasp, but I don't think young teens should be trying to fall in love, and if they are, it should not affect how often they date or how long they must wait to many.
If you are dating the right kind of person, and your parents and pastor promote the relationship, and you sense an obvious "chemistry" between you and your date (meaning you thoroughly enjoy and relate with each other's personality, and look forward to seeing and being with each other), and you communicate well to know that your feelings, goals and life's purposes are in agreement, it is safe to say you are "in love," or rather, you are ready to decide that you love each other.
Question: When will you know you are ready to get married?
Answer: You might be ready for marriage long before you should marry. The wise young couple does not begin serious dating until the time frame of their college careers and their finances allow them to consider getting serious. My advice would be to wait until you finish college before you many, though you may feel you are ready several years earlier.
Knowing "when you are ready" is not a feeling or an emotion. It is deciding when you should allow yourself to marry, and then scheduling your dating life accordingly.
Question: Should a couple break up when one or both is entering college?
Answer: Not necessarily. As a general rule, I recommend that if you are attending college, and your boyfriend or girlfriend is still in high school, you should be open to the idea of dating at college. The only time I have suggested college students not to date at college is if they are engaged or about to be engaged.
My philosophy of dating is that high-school couples should not date much and definitely not seriously. But I don't believe it is mandatory to break up when one or both enter college unless one is trying to "capture" the other to prevent that one from making new friends.
Do not rush into a more serious stage of dating before college just to prevent your girl/boyfriend from being available at college.
Now, if you both attend different colleges, I would strongly advise you to break up and date at the college where you attend.
Question: What is a mistake that dating teenagers make when attending college?
Answer: Trying to get too serious too fast and not getting really involved in all of the college life first.
Question: Do you think "dating around" can give you a bad reputation?
Answer: It can, depending primarily on whom you date. Date the wrong person one time and you can get a bad reputation. Date five good teenagers, and you may have a fine reputation. My question would be, why are you dating around?
