Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Twenty-One
Marrying Into the Family
"For none of us
liveth to himself and no man dieth to himself"
(Romans 14:7)
"No man is an island unto himself," wrote the poet John Donne. None of us are self-made persons. I read once that 85 percent of what we are can be directly attributed to our parents. You may fall in love with one person, but when you marry that person, you will be expanding your circle of love to include that person's parents, siblings and friends.
This can be a wonderful experience of broadening your love circle, or it can become a nightmare of petty jealousies and an emotional tug-of-war between a future daughter-in-law and mother-in-law or future father-in-law and son-in-law.
Some of my most complicated and difficult counseling sessions center around these conflicts with future in-laws. I would ask that those of you who are parents of children who are seriously dating or engaged as well as those couples who are seriously "in love" or engaged give special attention to this chapter.
Conflict with close friends, especially family, is usually a jealousy caused by fear or insecurity. There are many fears:
1. Fear of competing for love and attention. A dad feels he is "losing" the affection of his daughter to a young, inexperienced, unproven "boy." A boyfriend fears competing with her father's money and powerful position. A girlfriend feels she must compete in cooking and cleaning with her future mother-in-law.
2. Fear of losing control Parents especially feel this fear. For twenty or more years, they have exercised authority and control over where, when, and with whom their child went; and now, they are being forced to surrender their parental rights to this person for whom their child has fallen in love.
3. Fear of losing their unique role. Dad has been the only real man in his little girl's life; now, he's forced to make room for another man. Likewise, mother was the lady her little boy wanted to marry. She's cooked, diapered, fed, cleaned, loved, and cried for her precious little boy; and now some young, little thing thinks she can care for this boy better than his mother?!
4. Fear of rejection. "If her family doesn't accept me, she may have second thoughts about dating me," he reasons, and then he appears to avoid her family. This action creates some suspicion in her and her family and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection fabricated only by fear.
5. Fear of failure. "What if we marry and our marriage fails?" This is especially common among those who come from broken homes themselves. They witnessed the breakup of their parents' marriage and feel condemned to copy what they witnessed.
Fear and jealousy reveal themselves In many faces.
(1) Postponing meeting your child's boyfriend/girlfriend or a boyfriend postponing meeting a girl's parents.
(2) Always wanting to be alone with the one you date at the expense of being with his/her family or friends.
(3) Overly-sensitive or easily irritated about affection bestowed on the person you're dating by his/her family. Perhaps her daddy is a hugger and each time he gives his daughter a hug, the boyfriend gets sullen or angry or he withdraws.
(4) Criticizing, nit-picking, and fault-finding of your girlfriend/boyfriend's family.
(5) Demanding "equal" time or equal affection.
May I offer some advice on how to avoid this jealousy and build a healthy relationship?
A. Each partner in a serious relationship must have a strong sense of direction and purpose in life. If a young man believes he has a divine purpose for being on this earth, he will be much less likely to feel he must compete with her father. The young lady who knows what a wife's purpose is will not feel as threatened by an over-protective mother as a girl who is only dating to prevent boredom or loneliness. Young lady, if you marry the boy, you have the noble purpose of making him succeed like he never would have had he only had his mother. You alone can make him what his mother only dreamed for him.
B. Allow your fiancé/fiancée to maintain a unique relationship with her loved ones. In fact, encourage it, promote it, and insist on it! You will get far more of what you want and need by doing so. Don't fight what your date is. If 85 percent of what he is can be traced to his parents, then most of what you like about him is because of the people toward whom you feel jealous.
C. Develop a unique relationship yourself with your date's family. It is not enough to maintain ties only through your date; you must build your own. Hobbies, sports, crafts, letters, phone calls, dinners and lunch dates, jobs, books, compliments, hunting, cooking, golfing, etc. are ways to build a relationship with his/her family. Find out what they enjoy and take the initiative to do it with them without your date being a part of it.
Let me illustrate. Notice that Mom and Dad have much in common.
Now, let's add you and your date. Circle I is you. Circle 2 is your Dad. Circle 3 is your date. Circle 4 is your Mom.
Notice each should have a private life alone. Also each should have a personal relationship with only one another. And each should have a personal relationship with all the others.
What I mean is this. My father-in-law and I enjoy a personal relationship with just the two of us. We philosophize, take trips, go for lunch, and enjoy many things in life apart from my wife or his wife. Likewise, Cindy and her dad and her mom enjoy a trio of each other's company on many occasions. Then, Mrs. Hyles and I enjoy phone conversations and letters and visits with just the two of us apart from my wife.
Of course, all four of us often enjoy each other's company as well, as we dine out together or share a holiday, or just sip a coke or coffee for a few minutes.
Then too, my wife has a special friendship with my dad and with my mom and with my sister that is unique. Their phone calls and visits and deep conversation often are totally exclusive of me in presence or thought.
I'm not threatened by that at all. To the contrary, I love it. I want very much for my wife to know and love the mother and father I dearly love, and I want very much to know and love the parents who loved and trained my wife to be everything I could want or need.
D. Schedule time for you, your date, and your date's family to be together. Many conflicts arise from "meddling" in-laws.
Parents, when your children marry, keep out of their marriage!
Children, when you fall in love, and become engaged and marry, schedule your families into your life. A schedule will eliminate most meddling. Draw up a schedule you both like, and then stick with your schedule, whether it's once a week or one time a month.
E. Never, never criticize your date's parents or family! Your date may criticize them, but you must not. It would be best to defend her parents to her. Take up their side, even if she's right.
F. Compliment your date's family when you can do so in a sincere way.
G. Never compare your date or your date's family with your family. Also, be careful of comparing members of her family with other members of her family. Each person in her family holds a unique place in her life. Guard that place.
H. The greatest thing you can do to build yourself In the eyes of your date's family is to take very good care of your date. Respect, purity, attention to details, and protection are all good adjectives that should demonstrate your attitude and actions toward their son or daughter. Her family is probably not expecting you to be an extraordinary person. They do, however, consider your date to be worthy of extraordinary care. The best compliment you'll ever receive is when her family praises you to another member of her family.
Here's a few practical areas for which to watch, especially as you move into marriage.
Money — Don't be "mooching" from her family. Learn to live on what you make, and make it on your own.
Clothing — Keep your spouse well-dressed and neat in appearance.
Housing — Don't live in a "dump." It is better to wait to marry until you can afford a nice apartment or house.
Time — Do not be accused of being lazy or of not spending time at home. Woe to the man who marries and then spends his free time with his single buddies or vice versa with the wife.
Fidelity — No matter what anybody in their family history has done, that family has an image of honor they expect you to uphold.
I. In times of stress and pressure, you and your date will react like you were reared. "She's just like her mother," or "He's got a temper like his father." It's probably true. You are both learning new ways of coping with problems — not "her" ways nor "his" ways, but "our" way of dealing with the pressure. It's a new journey never before traveled by anyone. It's your own adventure, and you both must learn together how to become one.
J. A word of caution to parents. Please understand that when your child becomes an adult, your days of forcing your way are over. You had your opportunity to rear them as you felt you should. Now, it's time to let them live what you taught. You did not teach them perfectly, and they will undoubtedly make many errors of judgment and immaturity, but they must be allowed to grow into adulthood without your anger, nagging and constant correction.
They could move out and divorce you from their lives. They could run away and elope. I beg of you not to make the last few months you have together a bad experience.
If they are marrying someone less than the best, the only hope you have is to be close enough to them so that they will trust you and seek your loving wisdom. And if they marry unwisely, they will only need your wise and compassionate guidance when they run into trouble and hardship.
Be there for them. Don't smother them, but be their cheerleader. Believe in them! The confidence of your faith to believe in how you trained them is just what they need at this present time.
