Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Seventeen
Games Dating Couples Play
"Lovest thou me more than these?"
(John 21:15)
In every relationship there is a struggle to win. No man wants to be handed a victory without the struggle of competition and the strength necessary to win it, whether it's a game of "21" in basketball or a game of monopoly. Especially is this true when it comes to relationships. Men do not want to be handed a relationship without their earning it or "winning" it.
In particular, this would mean there must be a certain resistance, held in check by wisdom, on behalf of the young lady. A man dating a girl wants to feel like he's won her without her overpowering him and thus rejecting his manhood, nor by handing herself to him without any contest. When a man begins to show interest, there is a tendency to pursue the man and help him too much to win her. This is particularly evident in older single ladies (in their late 20's and 30's) who are very eager to marry.
Tension or resistance in a relationship is necessary for both parties to prove their worth to themselves and to each other. A real man and a real lady desire to marry somebody of equal character and ability. Nobody wants to marry somebody who dwarfs him or whom he dwarfs — either intellectually, spiritually or emotionally.
That is why it is necessary for Christians to mature properly and completely, meaning in all areas, before they take their vows in marriage. And that is why it is vital in a dating relationship that there be the probing and testing of strength in order to measure and determine the character level in various areas of a relationship.
The reasoning is quite simple. The wedding vows imply a lifelong commitment to an unseen future based entirely upon a track record of relatively short endurance. In other words, the young couple is making a commitment that expressly states they are promising to remain faithful and committed to that marriage relationship, even if something tragic should occur such as poverty, ill health, or a breakdown in their partner. And that relationship could be 50 or more years in duration while their knowledge of that person to whom the commitment is being made is perhaps 18-36 months long.
Melissa came to me and asked, "Why doesn't Roy ask me out anymore? Our dates were very fun, and I felt he enjoyed himself."
I checked with Roy and found out what I suspicioned was true. Roy answered, "Brother Schaap, I cannot think of any reason why I should not date Melissa. She is attractive, we get along well, and I admire her character and testimony. There's just one thing that bothers me;" Roy added, "After our first date, Melissa was constantly around me. She knew my daily schedule, and nearly everywhere I went, Melissa was there waiting for me. She was no challenge. I knew she wanted me, and I didn't even need to ask her out or win her to me." Roy added, "I just don't think I respect that in a girl."
Roy expressed the strange psyche of a man quite well. Personally, I find that women also have the same feelings. It is not just a man's problem; it is part of the nature of all humans — we enjoy most what we had to earn. Welfare dating is like welfare living — it does not build the dignity of mankind.
Here are a few simple thoughts:
1. Don't reveal too much of yourself too soon. In Proverbs, Solomon likens a person's wisdom and character to a deep well that requires an understanding person to draw it out. The implication is, "Don't be a shallow person whom everyone knows quickly.
Your flaws, past failures, insecurities, home life, ambitions, dreams, and personal life should be guarded and only revealed a little at a time, and only when you are confident that you and your date are steady and serious in your dating.
Have you ever gone to a party or spent considerable time with some friend and realized afterwards that you had exposed too much of your inner self to the crowd or to an individual? You felt vulnerable, and that is what you want to guard against when you date someone. Let them slowly and laboriously draw out of you what you are.
I don't mean you have to ignore their personal questions, but I would answer prudently and carefully, and not be quick to volunteer my personal life for any inspection.
I have nothing to hide, but my inner self is very private and sacred to me. I invite very few people into my private world, and you should do likewise.
In the Old Testament, the Israelites were commanded to build a tabernacle. Later, they also built a temple. In the New Testament, God likens our bodies and lives to the temple. The temple had three distinct parts — the outer courtyard, the holy place, and the most holy place.
Anyone was allowed to enter the outer courtyard; only priests were allowed to enter the holy place; and only the High Priest was allowed to enter the most holy place.
The application is beautiful. The outer courtyard of our life is our public life. We should be open and friendly to everyone we meet along our public journeys, such as in the hallways of church, school, at the grocery store, at the filling station, etc. Our holy place is our more private world of family and close friends. These are people we have grown up with or with whom we have worked closely and whom we trust through months and years of watching and knowing them. Our holy place is our home life, our thoughts, our feelings and our character.
Our most holy place represents our most intimate dreams, problems and expressions of love. Only one person should be allowed to know us on our most intimate level. This is the most trusted and most loved — our mate for life.
2. Do not discuss marriage or even hint of it too soon. It's always fun to play hinting games. Couples "hint" about their love, affection, and marriage. And that can be unwise. (Refer to Chapter Eight on this matter.) Hinting should only be used when it is almost time to enter the next stage of dating.
3. Don 't overreact to the insecurities or occasional withdrawing from you by your dating partner. There's an ongoing cat and mouse game that is used sort of like a "relationship sonar" to probe the substance and sincerity of your love.
Each of us goes through times when we need extra assurances from friends and family. Especially is this true with those we date and marry. Our insecurities and desires for intimacy cause us to send out verbal and nonverbal messages that are frequently misunderstood by those closest to us.
4. Don't measure your partner's love on every date.
5. Don't evaluate your own love on every date.
6. Don't feel insulted or rejected when your partner withdraws. Take it as a challenge to remain stable and unwavering.
7. Don't "smother" your partner when he withdraws. Again, the idea is to not overreact. Extra words of encouragement and love may be proper, but don't panic and lunge emotionally toward your partner. Your character is being inspected, not your panic button.
8. When you feel yourself withdrawing, do not speak of breaking up or dating someone else. You have the right to break up and date someone else, but please do not get into the habit of dropping one date for another just because you are going through a temporary period of inspection and probing.
9. If your partner does break the relationship, and you believe it is only because of this insecurity, do not insist he gets back with you, and do not date someone else. That will only drive them further away into confusion. Suggest to them first that both of you seek a counselor together. Second, suggest you stay apart for a few weeks (up to a couple of months) after which you will both rethink your relationship and consider getting back together.
10. Communication with each other is the secret. All relationships must be built and cemented together on the ability to talk through your feelings, doubts and confusion. The probing and resulting insecurity can usually be a great catalyst for learning more about each other and becoming closer.
11. Probing and testing accelerate after you enter the "I love you" stage and engagement stage of dating.
12. Probing and testing do not end with the wedding. Throughout life, you will need the reassurances of love from family and friends and they from you. It is part of a growing, maturing relationship.
God probed the love of Abraham when He demanded that Abraham offer Isaac as a sacrifice.
Jesus Christ probed the love of Peter when He quizzed, "Lovest thou me more than these?"
It is not a sin to probe and investigate. It is part of the eternal nature of God and the human nature of man to receive and give love and to earn or win the affection of others.
Mature love deals wisely and gently with the "games" of love. And mature love always wins.
