Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Sixteen
One at a Time, Please
In an attempt to keep young dating couples from becoming too serious with one another, sincere people including parents, youth directors, and teenage counselors often give the advice to "date around."
Tom and Elizabeth had been dating casually for nearly six months. They only dated twice each month, yet Elizabeth's parents were afraid she might become too serious with Tom. It was not a fear that Tom was a bad person; it was simply a concern about her "settling down" with one guy.
Elizabeth's parents advised her to date around. Well, before too many days, another young man asked her for a date. She accepted reluctantly. She dated the second guy only occasionally —just enough to satisfy her parents. Of course, this did not sit well with Tom. He came to see me to find out what could be done about this problem.
Tom and Elizabeth's problem is quite common. Let's examine this idea of "dating around."
1. As a general rule, it is best not to settle down seriously with the first person you date. It is highly unlikely that your first love is the right love. I am certainly not inferring that the first person you date is the wrong one. That would be foolish. I am saying that it is extremely rare and unusual that the first person you like will be the one you will many.
2. A person should not feel he must date many people to know what he wants. Dating is highly overrated. There are just as many people happily married who dated only a few people as there are those who dated many different ones. There is no special reward for dating the most people. A friend of mine dated over 100 different girls. He still needed the advice from his pastor and parents when he met number 101 to help him decide whether or not she was the right one. All he succeeded in doing was in spending more money, and riding the emotional roller coaster more times than those who dated three or four girls.
3. A person should not date more than one person at a time on a regular basis. Certainly, dating on a very casual basis could include two or more different people. My advice would be to have three to six dates with the same person, after which you would decide to either stop dating that person or to continue dating that person on a fairly regular basis. (See Chapter 1, "Starting Right.") This does not mean you would be "going steady." It simply means you would not be confusing the relationship by bringing more people into it.
Let me elaborate a bit more. A young lady should not date a guy who is dating another girl on a regular basis. On the other hand, a young man should not feel threatened if his casual girlfriend goes on a date with another guy. Often a girl does so at the urging of her parents. These problems can usually be solved simply by talking with the parents and her spiritual advisors.
4. "Dating around" forces unhealthy competition. I like competition in the right areas. Sports, Sunday school contests, spelling bees, etc. are all healthy and fun, but competing for the affectionate love and attention of a person is unscriptural and cruel. God does not want to compete with anyone or anything for my affection. He does not want me to have any other gods. "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3) He wants me to love Him with all of my heart. ..... Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:3 7)
Dating is preliminary to marriage, and marriage is symbolic of my relationship to God. I do not believe that God is pleased when I make several people compete for my attention, time, and love.
People are too important for me to treat them as a contestant in a race for my love. I dislike acting as a judge deciding who was nicest, loveliest, or kindest of the many I dated that week.
You're not hiring a secretary or an employee. You are choosing a mate of God's choosing.
5. It is very possible to "fall in love" with more than one person. If you don't believe that, ask King Solomon, or ask any Mormon who has several wives. Polygamous dating does not breed monogamous marriages. For every couple who told me they were dating around to keep from becoming too serious with one person, I have counseled twice as many who have "fallen in love" with two or three people they are dating at the same time.
6. The major reason for dating around is the absence of parental involvement in dating. The Biblical principle is for parents to play a major role in the selection of a mate.
7. On the rare occasions when I might counsel a person to date around, it is to young teens (pre-college) who tend to become serious with the first person they date or with every person they date. My own opinion is that a teenager like that is not mature enough for serious dating and shouldn't be dating at all.
8. God has one special person for you to marry. Dating many different people will not reveal His will more clearly. Dating around is man's way of eliminating prayer, fasting, walking with God, and the seeking of godly counsel.
