Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Fifteen
Breaking Up
Chances are, it's going to happen at least once. You're in a relationship that's headed nowhere in the fast lane. For one or more reasons, you know you must break up, but just how do you go about doing it?
1. First, confirm your decision with your parents and spiritual advisors. If you're getting the idea as you read this book that I am a believer in getting advice from the right people, you're absolutely right! To be sure, you are capable of making some good decisions on your own, but face it, you have never been down the path of life before, so you don't know all the pitfalls.
It's strange to me, but when young people must make the most important decisions of their life, they have the least amount of wisdom. Yet, older people who seldom need to make any "big" decisions have the greatest amount of wisdom. Perhaps God is trying to tell young people to "borrow" the wisdom of older people.
2. Plan an appropriate time and place to break the news to your date. A fairly quiet and secluded place with sufficient time to explain your side and to allow your date time to recover is best. Don't just "pop" it on them at the beginning of a class or right before they walk into teen choir.
3. Prepare your words carefully. Proverbs 25:11 says that well-chosen words are like, "apples of gold in pictures of silver. " That's a pretty way of saying that it is vital for you to use the right words.
4. Speak kindly and slowly, gently yet seriously. This is not a time to be humorous or hurried. You may feel embarrassed or nervous, but take your time to say what you had planned to say without rushing through a canned speech.
5. Start by thanking them for the great times you enjoyed and the happy memories you made together. No matter how sour the relationship has become, at one time you thought enough of that person to ask her out or to say "yes" to him. You also probably shared some fun or interesting times together.
6. Do not blame the breakup on God. You got into this relationship on your own two feet, now stand up like a real man or lady and be decent about the matter. Have the courage to do what's right without making it look like you really want to keep the relationship going. Statements like "but God just won't let me" or "I'm afraid it's just God's will we break up," are a cop-out.
7. Do not blame the breakup on your parents or anyone else.
If you are breaking up because your spiritual authorities advised you to do so, simply say, "I believe the right thing to do is to break up. While I have sought good counsel about this matter, the final decision is mine.
8. Be honest without being rude. If you're planning to date someone else shortly after you break up, don't lie by saying that you are not going to date anybody for a long time. On the other hand, don't explain how much you like someone else and want to break up so you can date that person.
You don't need to explain all the reasons why you are breaking up, nor do you need to make up an excuse for the breakup.
9. Do not give hope for putting things together in the future.
Breaking up means that you are canceling your future together, not simply postponing it. On occasion, parents or pastors may advise you to break up for a few months to sort out some problems. In such cases, you could tell your date those details. Perhaps you could say something like, "My parents have asked me to consider breaking off our relationship for a few months for some good reasons. I agree with them, but I also have their approval to reconsider our future after three months."
10. Don't get into an argument When you first sit down to talk, ask for ten minutes to talk without interruption. If your date tries to argue with you, stay calm and stick with your planned words, but by all means, do not raise your voice and argue with them.
11. Don't let your emotions talk you out of your decision. You will probably feel sorry for the other person, but don't let sorrow keep you together. Sympathy is a poor glue for a healthy relationship.
12. Don't promise to remain friends. Dating is not true friendship anyway. (See Chapter 12, "Friendship or Romance.") You won't remain good friends. Within a few months, you will both be absorbed in other relationships. It is true that you will always carry a part of that relationship with you through life, but couples who break up simply do not stay close.
13. Leave on good terms. Be a Christian gentleman or a Christian lady. Don't storm off irate or angry. Thank the person again for making room in his or her life for you, tell the person you appreciate the money, gifts, etc. he or she spent on you.
14. It is generally proper that you return any personal items given to you such as class rings, letter jackets or sweaters, etc. However, other gifts of jewelry, plants, pictures, cards, letters, and suchlike may be kept unless these items are specifically asked for by the person formerly dated. It is probably not in good taste to ask for the return of such gifts.
15. Don't try to keep the relationship alive after you have broken up. Let it end gracefully. If after several months or years things change, you may want to start dating that person again. However, once it is over, leave it alone.
Of course, that does not mean you cannot speak to the person. Always be kind toward everyone. It is most proper to greet the person and to treat them with the dignity and respect you would show anyone you have known for some time.
16. It is normal and proper to feel a sense of loss and sadness after you break up. A young man asked me how he could quickly get over the hurt of having just broken up. I told him not to try to get over it. The hurt and pain you feel are good indicators that you are a real person who had sincere feelings for that person. Pain tells me I had something for which it was worth hurting.
