Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Fourteen
What Not to Look for in a Guy
by Cindy Hyles Schaap
Often after I have counseled a dating couple or married couple, I will express to my husband how rare it seems that people find that one special person who God has for them. There tends to be a very haphazard way in which we choose our mates.
So much of the success of our marriage stems from the certainty that we have found that uniquely chosen person for us.
With this in mind, let me give you eight things not to look for in a man.
1. Someone who does not walk closely with the Lord. Most likely you will not find someone who has perfect character or who is a perfect Christian, but if that person knows and loves the Lord and has enough character to walk consistently with Him, growth will take place.
However, if there is no relationship with or love for the Lord, the basic ingredient for growth is missing. Beware of the young man who seems disinterested in preaching and in spiritual things. A lot of good girls get involved with guys like this thinking they will be able to change him.
Well-intentioned counselors may tell her she won't be able to do so, but her thoughts are, "I'm different. He'll love me more than anyone. I'll wrap him around my finger, and then he'll change."
That girl is sadly disillusioned. There is no girl alive, no matter how charming, who has the power to change a man spiritually. This is something only the Holy Spirit can do.
I'm thankful for a husband who has a deep affection for the Lord that I love. Through Christ we share a spiritual oneness that keeps marriage exciting as the years pass. I feel so secure as I see him consistently seeking the Lord for help as he strives to be the head of our home.
2. Someone who is a "womanizer. "Again, good girls too often take on this kind of a guy because of the challenge. She may feel that she is the right girl who has finally come along to settle him down. The Holy Spirit is the only One who can deliver a guy from the sin of lying to one girl while he has several "on the string."
Many times this kind of a guy is looking for a perfect girl (though he is usually very far from perfect himself). While a couple is dating, it is easy for a girl to imagine that she could be perfect, but when marriage begins, imperfections will show. It is then that a young wife longs for someone to overlook her faults. A man who is a womanizer is unable to do this.
3. Someone for whom you have sympathy. The mother instinct in a girl often causes her to feel attracted to a guy because of sympathy. Sympathy may feel like romantic love, but it is not a good foundation for a marriage. As a general rule, if you feel sorry for a guy, stay away from him — especially if you feel sorry for him because of his spiritual condition.
In such cases, it is best for the girl to realize he chose to be where he is spiritually, and she had better let a less vulnerable person minister to his needs.
4. Someone who is not truthful. If you catch a young man lying to you, he should be removed from your list immediately. It is impossible to open up and share with someone you do not trust. A liar cannot be intimately close to anyone.
5. Someone who is not good to his mother. A young man learns how to love from his mother; therefore, he will treat
his wife much like he treats his mother. Proverbs 15 :20b tells us that, "a foolish man despiseth his mother. "Foolish men do not make good husband material.
On the other hand, a young man who is thoughtful of his mother is learning how to be thoughtful of his wife. Even a young man who has an unloving mother should keep his heart right toward this very important person in his life, not only for the sake of his mother, but especially for the sake of his future wife and himself.
As for me, marrying a man whose father I admire has been a blessing to me. My husband has turned out to be very much like him. Look for a man whose heart is right toward both mother and father.
6. Someone who does not share your goals and convictions.
Shared goals and convictions bring intimacy to a relationship and allow a marriage to remain exciting for many years. Some of my fondest memories so far in my marriage have come from the hours my husband and I have spent discussing shared goals and dreams.
Our goals have not always been identical, but have gradually grown together as one. Nevertheless, we were definitely going the same direction from the beginning of our relationship, and this has made our growing transition a more smooth and pleasant one.
It is especially impossible for a married couple to be intimate when they disagree on convictions. Every young lady should know what her convictions are and date only young men whose convictions are in agreement with her own. Preferences, of course, will vary, but convictions should not.
7. Someone whose past is not similar to your own. As a senior in high school, I began to express a desire to attend another Christian college in a distant state. My dad said that would be fine with him, but he wanted me to consider one thing. He said if I attended our church's own local college, I would be more likely to find a young man whose past was similar to my own.
Because of this advice, I felt God leading me to Hyles-Anderson College where I did find His choice — a young man with goals, convictions, and a past very similar to my own.
Though a godly young person should never look down on a person with a less godly past, still it only makes sense that a person who has kept themselves pure and clean should look for a person who has also saved themselves for them.
8. Someone of whom your parents and spiritual leaders do not approve. When I was steadily dating my future husband as a freshman in college, my dad sat me down and told me that he thought Jack and I were in love. My mother also seemed to have a peace about our relationship.
This was quite a switch, because many times in my high school days I had tried to convince my parents that I really cared for the person I was dating, but they were never really persuaded. When Jack came along, they were not only persuaded, they were trying to convince me.
Not long after, some of my college staff and faculty members whom I admired began to tease me about being in love. Thus, I learned an important lesson about finding God's will and the right guy: God's will is not usually found in neon lights in the sky, but rather in the peaceful knowing expressions of our authorities.
God leads young people through their parent's approval. Parents do not have to be perfect to be able to discern God's will for their children's lives. God gives wisdom to parents because of their position not necessarily their condition.
It is also very wise to seek advice from your spiritual leaders — your pastor, your youth director, your college teachers, and others.
Thus, my parent's approval was the most important element in helping me to find the "right kind of guy." I'm grateful they were there to help me make one of the biggest and best decisions of my life. And I'm grateful to my husband, Jack Schaap, for being that "just right kind of guy."
