Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Thirteen
Dating from a Distance
The romantic poet wrote, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." May I add, "It also causes some to wander." Nothing can be quite as exasperating as trying to keep a healthy dating relationship when there are many miles and months separating the two of you.
Absence is often unavoidable. Yet there are several ideas I would like to offer here that can help promote your relationship over the miles.
1. Maintain the same dating schedule you had when you were together. As near as is possible, you spend the same amount of time at the same time of the week and day "dating" by means of letter writing, phone calling, mentally planning, and mentally remembering as you spent with each other when you were together.
For example, if you had two dates each week, you should spend two separate occasions each week, preferably at the same times, reliving the memories of specific dates, planning ideas for new dates, writing a letter to your date, or talking on the phone to your date.
It's tragic how quickly we forget people who are seemingly very important to us. This is because we do not schedule time for them into our lives. If I made time for someone in my life when their presence was with me, why should I not make time for them in their absence? They are no less worthy or important simply because their body is not physically near me.
By the way, if I schedule time to call, write, think, and remember my date, I won't waste my time daydreaming constantly about them. Nor will my heart drift away from them from disinterest or neglect.
2. Spend time mentally dating. Some people ask me, "What do you do for an hour on a 'date' when the person you want to date is far away?" Quite simple. Take an imaginary date in your mind. Plan an actual date in your mind, where you would go, what you would eat, the words you would say, etc. Then, write a lengthy, detailed letter outlining your imaginary date to your date. You would be amazed how close you can feel toward someone after you have spent an hour with them in your thoughts.
3. Be more creative in your expressions. How you say something is as important as what you say. You must convey your smile, voice inflection, and the sparkle in your eye through the mail, the phone, or your voice. Be careful about talking on the phone late at night or longer than 30 minutes. Under those circumstances, it is difficult to not sound fatigued or bored. Be fresh and positive in your conversations and letters. Bad news is magnified over distance. Be a spark plug, not a wet blanket.
Thoughtful gifts such as humorous cards, personalized mugs, flowers, inexpensive games, a good book, a favorite candy bar, a telegram, a Christian music tape, a souvenir, a homemade card or baked goods — all of these are great ideas.
4. The secret is to convince your date you are thinking of them even when you are not together. On several occasions when I was engaged, I would leave my fiancée after a date, stop half-way home and call her at her house. She could hear the traffic in the background as I spoke from a roadside phone booth.
She would ask if something were wrong, but I would quickly say, "I had a great time tonight, and I just won't be able to get you off my mind." Then, without waiting for her response, I would hang up.
Often I will have a sweet thought about my wife. I will note the exact time, write her a brief note telling her of the sweet thought, and tell her what day and time it is. I will then mail this note to her even though I could obviously bring it home with me. This lets my wife know that I was thinking of her while we were apart.
5. Plan your telephone conversations, and limit them to less than 30 minutes. Frequent, long telephone conversations can be dangerous to a relationship. Too often, the wrong message can be given or received. Unplanned conversations can often lead to topics of intimacy or negativism.
Make a brief outline of the positive highlights of your day and week and share those. It is far better to end a conversation on a high note with a brief call than to have a lengthy talk that is boring, uneventful, negative, or depressing.
Let your date know how long you may talk, and stay within your limits.
6. Don't resort to discussing intimate topics in order to keep the romance strong. If you must use intimate language or passionate expressions to "spark" the conversation, something is wrong with the relationship. It's never right to do wrong, not even to win a person's heart. If there is not a natural charm, don't manufacture an artificial one.
7. If you live far away from each other, do not plan an overnight visit unless you have already entered the "I love you" stage. Visiting your date's hometown sends a very strong message of commitment. Be sure the commitment is properly secured before sending such a signal.
Spending a few days with your date also greatly accelerates your relationship. Propriety and ethics demand that such trips be reserved for couples who are quite serious in their relationship.
Let me strongly caution you that should you plan such a trip, do not stay at the same house together. The temptations of intimacy are just much too great to spend the evenings sleeping at the same residence.
8. Do not advance to the next stage of dating in order to "keep" the relationship. Mark and Debbie dated quite steadily throughout their senior year of high school. They were a good couple and had a steady relationship. After graduation, Mark decided to go to a trade school while Debbie felt led to go to a Christian college.
Mark feared he would lose Debbie to another guy, so he asked Debbie to take his class ring and promise not to date any other guys at college. Unwisely, Debbie agreed. At college, Debbie met a wonderful young man. In her heart, she knew that she was not ready to be "serious" with Mark. She had made a mistake taking Mark's ring, and the guilt of wanting to date another man while "going steady" was simply too much pressure.
Personally, I think it very wise for college students to date at the college where they are attending. One of the most important reasons for going to a college is to find God's choice mate for your life. Unless you are engaged or very serious with someone not attending your college, you should date students where you are attending.
By the way, when I say that you should date students at the college where you are attending, I mean a fundamental, Bible-believing, soul-winning, separated, Christian college operated by a local New Testament church. I have gone soul winning on state university campuses. What goes on at those campuses is not fit for an animal. Drinking parties, explicit sexual acts, illegal drug parties, vulgar language, humanistic and anti-Christian teaching, co-ed dormitory housing, and scores of other ungodly practices make it unwise to attend a state college or university, especially as a dormitory student.
Again, I realize that not all of our fundamental young people will enter the ministry, and I do not have a problem with that. I believe all honest work is sacred. However, I would strongly discourage an education at a state college, state university or a compromising Christian college.
For those who insist on attending a secular college, I always urge them to choose one located by a red-hot, soul-winning church, to get very involved in the ministries of that church, and not to live in the dormitories.
Distance and time place unusual pressures on dating relationships. Often, a couple realizes they do not have much depth to their relationship, or they come to understand that there is no future to their relationship. In those cases, there is a proper way to end the relationship. (See Chapter 15 on "Breaking Up.")
On the other hand, many fine couples neglect their relationship and allow it to decay and die through lack of character and creativity. Follow the eight steps listed above, and seek the advice of your parents and pastor.
