Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Twelve
Romance Or Friendship
Tina came to my office totally exasperated. She and Dale were "good friends." They had known each other for quite some time, and had hit it off from the start. They talked freely about everything, and shared their heartaches and happiness with one another.
However, Tina knew something was different when she felt the green-eyed monster of jealousy gnawing within her whenever Dale would pay special attention to other girls. She dared not tell Dale about these feelings though.
Evidently, Dale did not notice when Tina began to dress more carefully on days she would see him, nor did he notice her not-so-casual attempts at flirting. On the other hand, Dale often made a special effort, or so it seemed, to sit with Tina during classes, and he often shared his deepest feelings with her.
One day, Dale was having lunch with Tina, as he often did. Dale casually said, "Tina, I need your expert opinion about a girl problem." Tina was sure that Dale was about to ask her for a date.
Actually, what happened next knocked the wind out of Tina's romantic sails. Dale went on to explain how he was feeling very attracted to another girl — a feeling like he had never experienced for any girl before. And to add insult to the injury, Dale wanted Tina to give him advice on how to "win over" this other girl. Tina's dilemma is not unusual.
A common phrase heard among dating couples is, "We're not dating; we're just friends." Another familiar comment I hear is, "We broke up, but we're still friends." And still a third statement often given by youth advisors to would-be dating couples is, "Be friends first."
I believe romance and friendship are wonderful, yet different from each other. And when the two are confused, young people suffer. I've seen far too many "friendships" and "romances" ruined because the individuals involved failed to understand these following principles.
Let's examine some of the similarities and differences between romance and friendship.
1. Friendship is that loyal commitment to unselfishly meet the needs of another person without expecting the same in return. You can be a friend to someone without that person being a friend to you. Of course, nothing is quite as wonderful as being a friend to someone who is also a friend to you.
2. Romance is that "chemistry" that excites and thrills the senses and emotions, that "energy" of a dating couple which attracts and pulls them toward each other and ultimately, toward marriage. Romance is the fuel of a good marriage. It is emotional gasoline that warms the heart and ignites the passion. Romance is the mystique that intrigues the other person.
3. Dating is the awkward attempt to blend romance and friendship.
4. Friendship can be almost totally unselfish; romance has
expectations. One of the beauties of friendship is that one can be a friend without expecting or needing that friendship returned in a similar fashion; however, romance most definitely expects a response.
Often I am asked by young men what they should look for in a girl. My answer is "positive response." If a man asks a lady for a date, he wants a positive response. If he sends a gift, he anticipates a thank-you note. If a girl says "no" to a mans s invitation for a date, the romance is stifled and may have reached a dead end. If a friend does not receive a positive response, the friendship does not necessarily suffer.
5. Friendship can be based almost purely on self-sacrifice.
The energy of friendship is self-sacrifice in order to meet the needs of the friend, and while a dating couple should certainly be attentive to each other's needs, romance thrives on the energy of mutual enjoyment and returned favors or expressions of affection.
6. Friendship can share its friends with other friends, but romance is very exclusive and possessive. A friend may very often introduce his friend to other friends of his, knowing full well that these introductions might well lead to additional friends for his friend. It is highly unlikely that a boy would introduce his girlfriend to other boys with the hopes that his friends would date his girl.
7. Friendship can exist if only one person wants it to exist.
That is impossible in a dating relationship. Romance demands mutual consent and mutual response.
8. Friendship makes no demands and has no expectations; hence, friendship rarely disappoints either friend. Suppose that John and Bill are good friends. John invites Bill to lunch; however, John forgets the invitation and fails to show. Because John is Bill's friend, Bill quickly forgives and forgets the matter with no need of an explanation from John.
However, let's suppose that John dates Mary. John invites Mary to lunch and then fails to show. Mary wants a good explanation and a nice gift to calm her hurt feelings. Take this one step further for illustration's sake. Suppose that John marries Mary. Mary prepares a lovely dinner for John, but John becomes absorbed in his work and does not come home that evening. In fact, John does not come home for two days. I guarantee that Mary is not keeping dinner warm. John will have a heap of explaining to do, and it will probably be several days or weeks before she gets over what her "friend" did to her.
Now, of course, I am not advocating a thoughtless, careless attitude in either friendship or romance. I am simply showing a major difference between the two — a difference that brings confusion and frustration to dating couples who mistakenly run their romance as though it were a friendship when it is not.
9. Friendship operates on character; romance needs "atmosphere." Friendship remains loyal and strong whether the body odor is Chanel #5 or bad breath #2. Romance relies upon candlelight dinners, telephone calls, stuffed animals, and moonlighted evenings with soft music. Friendship is constant on hot days and cold nights, sharing boring labor, or exchanging sleepy yawns.
10. The goal of friendship has been reached In having the friendship.
11. The goal of romance should be to add to it the character of friendship.
12. Most couples who say they are "just friends" have one person in that relationship who feels much more romantic" than 'friendly." And that is precisely where the damage can occur. I believe that it is theoretically possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex. I also know from much counseling that it is extremely rare. There's a "chemistry" that exists between members of the opposite sex, especially when they spend considerable time together in common pursuits and interests.
The majority of married couples with whom I have counseled on the matters of adultery and extramarital affairs would all agree that their affair began as a simple "friendship" which quickly accelerated into romance. Actually, they never had a real friendship. They simply held their romantic notions in check and eventually found opportunity to release their romantic feelings.
Again, let me say that I believe it is possible to have a sincere friendship with other married couples; but never, never, never would I advise couples to spend considerable amounts of time exclusively with one another. They are simply going to prove this chapter correct and find that their friendship was more of a romance.
Too often the boy and girl who are still "friends" even though they've broken up feel bitterness or extreme disappointment toward their "friend." They never were friends and are not friends now. They are simply suffering the emotional devastation of romantic loss.
At a time when many teens should be building friendships with girls and boys together, there is often the pressure to enter a highly romantic relationship. Remember that romance is the energy of marriage, and when you add romance to a simple friendship, you no longer have a simple friendship. You now have a complicated premarital relationship that is far too advanced for young teens.
Let me encourage you younger dating couples in your early and middle teens to keep your dating "friendly" and casual. Be friends without getting really serious. If you get too serious and spend too much time on the telephone or together, you will probably start fussing with each other and ruin a lovely friendship.
After a couple of years of just knowing each other and spending some time together on youth activities and casual dates, you may want to enter a more serious dating relationship.
But remember: Once you start serious and regular dating, your friendship will change, and you will have entered the romance stage. Very likely the two of you will never again be "just friends."
