Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Eleven
Keep It Simple
If you're dating, you already know how confusing the whole business can become. Well-meaning friends, emotional games, and conflicting advice from sincere people can all add to the basic problems that arise when two strangers begin a romantic adventure.
Before I began dating, I began to pray a very simple prayer. It went something like this: "Dear God, please show me Your will in a very plain and simple way. I am not very smart, and I need You to make Your choice clear and obvious to me."
I have learned that God usually works in simple fashion. It is man who complicates the matter. This is true in salvation, and this is true in dating.
Often, confused young adults come to me who are dating. They are wanting to know how they can be sure that they have found the right one. They are also looking for some overwhelming experience to confirm God's choice. Those experiences are extremely rare. The "confirmation" God gives is usually quite common and ordinary.
It is interesting to note how often people come for advice on how to know if they're dating the right one until they find the right one. Suddenly, they need very little advice. Usually, when you find the right one, you just know it.
Let's assume that you are a Christian committed to staying pure, that you will seek approval of the person you date from your parents and pastor, that you are dedicated to preparing for the work God has for you, and you are willing to wait for God's timing before getting married. (All of those topics are discussed in other chapters.)
1. If you're a guy, and you see a girl you would like to date, and she is the right kind of girl, date her.
2. If you're a girl, and a guy asks you for a date, and he's the right kind of guy, date him.
3. If that first date goes well, have another one. If that date goes well, accept a third. If that date goes well, keep on dating right into marriage!
4. If that first date does not go well, have another one. If that date does not go well, give it one more try. If that date is not a great improvement on the first two, don't date that person anymore.
Remember, dating is two people who mutually enjoy being together. Don't force someone to like you, and don't force yourself to like someone.
Occasionally, a dating couple may get off to a poor start. One of them may be ill or tired or distressed. That's why I suggest you give the relationship a few tries before canceling it.
5. Generally, if your dating is going well, and the assumptions we made above are accurate, there is no reason to second-guess God's will
6. If you have moved into the "I love you" stage or are engaged, and you have doubts, get wise advice from your pastor or an experienced counselor before ending the relationship.
7. Don't feel pressured to date someone you don't want to date.
8. Don't avoid dating because you are afraid This is especially true if there is someone you want to date who also wants to date you. Some of you came from broken homes, and you fear your marriage could likewise turn sour. Let the mistakes of your parents teach you what not to do, but do not let other's failures keep you from pursuing something as wonderful and proper as marriage. "Marriage is honourable in all." (Hebrews 13:4a)
9. Don't get "serious" before your college years.
10. Don't date anyone steadily before high school
11. Don't get "desperate" if you haven't found the "right one" before you graduate from college.
12. If you graduate from a fundamental Christian college without finding a mate, stay there until you do or until your pastor tells you to leave. God's timing does not always coincide with a graduation date.
13. Above all, trust God with the choke. Give Him the right to make the final decision as to whom you marry and when you marry. After all, He has the best interests of all involved, and He knows best what will make you happy the rest of your life.
14. Don't beg God to give you a particular person. Beg Him to give you His choice. Beg Him to give you wisdom to make the right choice, but don't beg for a specific person. God loves you enough to give you what you want even if it is not best for you. You may not want 20 years from now what you are begging for today.
15. Don't enter or end a serious relationship while you are confused The only exception to this would be if you are dating the wrong person. It's always right to stop dating the wrong person, even if you are confused.
16. Realize that you are dating the wrong person if either your parents or your pastor think so.
17. Remember that it's always wrong for a saved person to date an unsaved person.
18. Don't play games. If you feel you are getting the "run around," have a frank discussion with the person you date about the matter.
Bob told me he was dating a very special girl and had been doing so for three months. Suddenly, his girlfriend withdrew from him and began to give him the "cold shoulder." They did not date for over a month. Then, Bob asked her out again, and she quickly warmed to him again. However, after a few dates, she again withdrew.
I advised Bob to have a frank, but kind discussion with her to see if there was a problem. Within a short time, Bob got to the bottom of a serious misunderstanding, and they broke up. Even though their relationship ended, they saved much grief by settling the issue.
A couple of months after my wife and I began dating, we went through such a time. On one particular date, Cindy met me and immediately began giving me some reason why she had to leave right then and go home. I felt there was more to it than that, so I pressed the issue.
"Cindy," I said, "If our relationship has any chance of survival or any future, there are a couple of important rules we must follow. First, we must not play games with one another. It's fine to flirt and tease and have fun, but it's not wise to play emotional mind games. Secondly, we must build our relationship on honesty. If you feel you must break up, be honest and plain with me. If something is troubling you, let me help."
Well, three hours later Cindy finished telling me a burden of hers. Our relationship had just moved forward significantly because we decided not to play games with each other.
A dating relationship is simply two people who mutually enjoy being together. If it's more complicated than that, you're bound for confusion. "God is not the author of confusion." (I Corinthians 14:33)
