Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Ten
Timing Is Everything
The rabbits were not cooperating with the hunt which my dad and I had planned for the morning. I sat on an old stump, my shotgun resting across my lap; likewise, my dad sat several feet away.
Dad asked me to repeat what I had just barely managed to get out the first time. "We broke up last night. And it's permanent." Each syllable needed a special push to exit my mouth.
I had been introduced to a young lady by my home pastor while I was working as a youth director at my home church for the summer. We seemed to hit it off well from the start. Her parents were very pleased, and I thought mine were as well. She was a soul winner, a committed Christian, and a highly-respected young lady.
In spite of the fact that she was attending a different Christian college than I, we were confident our relationship would last. We wrote frequently, and I called her every Saturday. Nevertheless, four months after our first date, I had a "gut" feeling all was not well.
We had a date during the Thanksgiving holidays. It was a disaster. Before we said good-bye, she told me that our relationship was not going to work. I tried to convince her otherwise, but it was hopeless.
That night, I drove into the parking lot of my church, entered the building, and made my way to the altar where I spent the next few hours praying, crying, and thinking. When I got off my knees to leave, I left our relationship at the altar in the hands of God.
When I arrived home, I got out my Bible to read some chapters from the book of Proverbs. I knew I needed wisdom, and I couldn't think of a better place to find some.
I was reading chapter 24. My attention was arrested by verse 14.
"So shall the knowledge of wisdom be unto thy soul: when thou hast found it, then there shall be a reward, and thy expectation shall not be cut off" This was comforting. My "expectation" was to find the right girl for me. God was reassuring me that He had a special "reward" for me if I would make a commitment to the "knowledge of wisdom."
Well, I continued to read. Again my focus was drawn to a verse — a verse that would shape my philosophy of dating and help to guide many hundreds of couples through my counseling.
Verse 27 says, "Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house." This truth gripped me and cleared the fog in my mind. God was telling me that my job was to determine what my calling in life was and to prepare for that calling. Then, and only then was I to "build mine house."
Like so many couples, I had been trying to secure my wife before I secured God's calling and my preparation for that calling. It was the proverbial "cart before the horse" syndrome.
God was teaching me that the timing of a relationship should be left in His hands. My responsibility was to know and prepare to do God's will. Period.
After I explained all of this to my dad, he said, "Son, I believe God has someone very special just for you to marry. But I believe also that the best assurance you have of meeting that girl is to concentrate on your studies at college and your preparation as a preacher. God is duty-bound to bring you two together in His good timing. Keep your eyes open so you don't miss her, but don't feel pressured to date just for the sake of dating. In God's own way, He'll work out the details."
Well, five months later, I was introduced to that special girl who would later become my wife.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.... " Everything God has ever done was done according to a schedule. Creation was according to God's timetable: Moses' meeting with God at the burning bush was according to schedule. The Red Sea parting just in time was according to God's schedule. David's meeting with Goliath was according to a divine schedule. Jesus' birth in Bethlehem was in "the fullness of the time." (Galatians 4:4a) The rapture of the saints will be according to God's timetable, as is everything that God has done, is doing, or will be doing.
And the major events of your life, as well as the minute details, are all to be carefully scheduled around God's timetables.
1. Serious dating should not begin before the young man has properly settled what God's general direction is for his life The particulars do not need to be settled, but he should definitely know whether or not he should be pursuing full-time Christian service, or whether he will be entering the secular work field.
Many young ladies have committed themselves to marrying only full-time Christian workers. This is good and proper, hence, it is only fair that a young man know his field and make his intentions known early in the dating stage before romance overpowers the sacred commitments of earlier years.
2. The wedding day should be scheduled after the completion of the preparation for life's calling. Irreparable damage to one's calling or to a relationship can result when preparation is postponed for a wedding.
May I remind you that you are to "build thine house" after you "prepare thy work without."
3. Remember that it is not right to deprive a young lady and her parents of her college degree for the sake of an early wedding date. Both the man and the lady have the right and the obligation to finish their preparation, and both must ensure each other's degree.
It is a dirty shame when a young man urges marriage prematurely upon a lady, thereby not allowing her to finish college. He is mocking the dreams of her parents, and is foolishly shortchanging himself with a less-than-adequately prepared wife.
If the man goes to college and meets his wife there, then both of them must be committed to finishing their college degrees; consequently, they must pace their dating accordingly.
4. If neither of the couple plans to attend college, they should schedule the wedding to be after the man is secure in his job, providing both have finished their high-school training. I understand that many men and women will not attend college. In that case, certainly the couple should wait until both of them have finished college and until the young man has established himself in his trade.
William and Shem asked me to perform their wedding ceremony. Both had finished high school, and neither planned to attend college. Their parents had given their approval, but William had just started a new job that had placed him on a six-month probation period while he was in training. At any time during those six months William could be released from the job for any reason. I advised them to hold off their wedding until William finished the probation period and was more settled in the job.
5. Realize that frustration occurs in dating when the man has not settled his life's calling. The Bible is very clear about the calling of the lady. God states in Genesis chapter 2 that Eve was to be a "help meet" for Adam. "And the LORD God Said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him." (Genesis 2:18)
Eve's responsibility was to help Adam be successful in his calling. A wife's calling is to help her man achieve his purpose in life. If, however, a man does not know what that purpose is for him, his wife cannot fulfill her purpose of helping him.
Often then, the "purpose" of dating is simply to have fun, or to get married. If a man makes marriage his purpose, he will ultimately feel the frustration of not achieving his unique purpose and reason for living.
"Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man, " states I Corinthians 11:9. Adam's purpose in life was not to get married, but rather to "dress" the garden "and to keep it." Adam's job was to make the garden productive and to protect it. Eve's duty was to help Adam.
The words help meet are defined as a protector or guard. In other words, Eve was to protect and guard Adam while he protected and guarded the garden.
6. At the very earliest, a couple could marry when the lady has less than one year remaining in college. There is a very distinct possibility that she could become pregnant shortly after the wedding day. Her chances of finishing college with a newborn child are severely reduced; hence, every precaution should be taken to ensure her graduation.
7. Generally, a couple should not marry if either is in debt financially. One of the major causes for fussing in a marriage is financial mismanagement. Don't start off handicapped in this area. Get out of debt and stay out of debt.
Many engaged couples make serious financial mistakes by charging furniture, appliances, etc. to an individual or a joint account even before they are married. This is very foolish. I realize that it sounds romantic to have a joint credit card account, but you will regret the day you made such a blunder, and it may take ten or more years to recover from the damage of a few unwise purchases.
Carl and Katie were four years from marriage, but already they knew they were to be married. Katie's father wisely advised them to set a goal of saving one thousand dollars each per year while they waited for their wedding day. He knew this would be good insurance toward a solid start in their marriage. He also knew it would keep them busy during their excessively long wait.
I'm not saying that you need a large savings account before you get married. I am saying that you men owe it to your future in-laws to show a responsible handling of your money and the ability to care for their daughter.
8. Do not marry without your parent's approval. This is especially true if you come from a solid Christian family. I realize that many young people come from broken homes where they may have been abused verbally, physically, or emotionally. In such cases, a parent may not be willing, able, or capable of giving strong parental advice.
However, may I caution you to respect and honor your parents. Even those parents who neglected or abused or abandoned you deserve more than a rebellious attitude of self-will.
In the above-mentioned cases, consult with your pastor, and let him act as a parental advisor. Whether your parents are loving or not, consider their insight and, by all means, do not treat them with contempt or anger.
Many times parents disapprove of your dating or marriage only temporarily. Perhaps your grades, conduct, neglect of them, or your pace in dating frightens them.
Rick and Julie were very much in love. Rick was planning to ask Julie to marry him. He received permission to do so from Julie's parents; however, Julie came to me saying that she was suddenly receiving a very negative attitude from her father concerning Rick.
I explained to her that her father was probably feeling as though he were competing with Rick for her love and affection. He was struggling with the thought of losing his daughter to some young, inexperienced "boy" who could not possibly care for her as he did.
I advised her to not mention Rick around her parents, even if they brought up his name. Also, I said she should express more affection toward her father and assure him of her continued love and loyalty.
I told Rick that he had already won the competition between Julie's father and himself for Julie and that her father knew this. Therefore, Rick should not feel like a rejected boyfriend around Julie's parents. Rather, he should be confidently distant when Julie was near her father. Rick should promote her father to her and encourage their spending time together as father and daughter.
Within a few weeks, Julie and Rick told me of a "miraculous" change in Julie's father, and how her parents were getting excited about the wedding date.
If you will be a little patient with your parents and try to view your relationship from their angle, they might very well become your most ardent supporters.
Denny and Jill got into serious trouble while they were dating. Jill became pregnant, and they decided their best move was to run away and elope. Fortunately, Denny sought advice first. Certainly, they were both fearful of how their parents would react.
I told them that more than ever before they needed their parents. Their parents might take it hard at first and even get angry and bitter. In the long run, however, the parents would be supportive if the situation was handled properly.
I volunteered to be the one to break the news to the parents. Sometimes a trusted third party can be helpful. I always recommend the couple's pastor in such cases.
Not long after, I received a note from Jill telling me how excited her parents were about the wedding preparation. To be sure, Denny and Jill disappointed their parents and loved ones; however, parents do not want to be excluded from your most important of plans. To be sure, you will want your parent's approval just as you will want to give your approval to your child's major plans.
9. Do not marry without consulting with your pastor.
10. Do not plan for your engagement to last more than six to nine months. The engagement is simply a preparation stage. Emotionally, the couple is ready for marriage, and to extend this time needlessly is to invite frustration. (More can be found in Chapter 19, "To Those Engaged.")
