Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Eight
Height, Breadth, and Depth of Love
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
— E. B. Browning
In the third chapter of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul writes of a love that has breadth, length, depth and height — a love that passes knowledge and expresses the fullness of God. "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. "(Ephesians 3:17-19) That's the kind of love I want to know.
And that's the kind of love I want you to know as you grow in love through the different stages of dating. A complete dating relationship could be defined in five stages:
(1) The "First date" stage
(2) The "I like you" stage
(3) The "I love you" stage
(4) The "Engagement" stage
(5) The "Wedding day" stage
Allow me to share some insights on these stages.
1. It is normal but very unwise to want to race quickly through these five stages. Most often it is the man who views these stages as goals to be reached as swiftly as possible. Men like a challenge, and more often than not, a man is accelerating into the next stage before the couple has time to savor the present stage.
Of course, a lady too can be overly anxious to pursue the wedding day at the expense of a deep relationship.
2. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Keep in mind that eventually you will finish the fifth stage with most of your life before you. What then will keep you challenged — children? Usually, if children are brought into a marriage to keep "spice" in the relationship, the marriage suffers. While children are certainly challenging, they are also a constant energy drain on the parents, often leaving little time for romance in the early days of diapers and feedings every four hours.
3. Develop the breadth of each stage before moving to the next stage. Have as your goal to say "I like you" a hundred different ways before you actually say those three words. Then, after you say them, you will be in the "I love you" stage; but again, think of literally thousands of ways to say "I love you" before you actually say those powerful words.
A few months after my wife and I began dating (I was a junior in college, she was a freshman), I was desperately in love with her. In fact, I had written in a daily journal that I was confident she was "the one" for me after only two weeks of dating. I discussed this with my parents (who had advised me to date her before I had met her), but I could not breathe a word of this to my girlfriend.
I believed I loved her, but I had not told her yet that I liked her, at least not in those words. Through thoughtful dates and special gifts, I had let her know I was quite fond of her, and she always responded in like manner with thoughtful expressions of "like."
The time came for me to tell her that I liked her. I didn't want to say it verbally because I wanted to use that method to say "I love you." So I wrote a lengthy letter carefully explaining that the time had come to tell her some important feelings I had for her. She told me later that she was certain I was about to tell her that I loved her. Instead, the letter went on to say that the special words I had for her were "I like you very much."
We then entered the "I love you" stage. Now the process started all over again with both of us thinking of hundreds of ways to say "I love you" without using those words.
My, how I want to impress upon you the importance of not using those words in a flippant manner. Reserve those words for that special someone that God has just for you. I explained that to my girlfriend. I said, "Those words are very special words that I would reserve for only one girl in my entire life."
I did not at that time tell her that I loved her. For several months, I had tried to say "I love you" through other words, gifts, creative dates, candy, flowers, smiles, comments about her hair, dress, etc.
Finally, I said, "Cindy. I have tried a thousand ways to say something that is very special to me — something I have reserved just for you. I have exhausted my resources to properly express it to you, and there remains but one way to say it — I love you!" Of course she knew I loved her. But it was very special to both of us to hold off saying those words until we had said them in many different ways first.
Well, Cindy didn't tell me immediately that she loved me. What a rascal she was. I was dying to hear those words from her, but she had been well-trained and was very careful to be sure those words were not just said in response to mine or as a reaction to an emotional evening.
Two full weeks after I told her I loved her, she rushed past me while I was standing on a stairway and whispered in my ear, "I love you, too." I didn't hear her plainly, but I was quite sure she had said what I was longing to hear.
I said, "I heard that."
She said, "You heard what?"
"You said that you lo. . . well.. . er... I think.., you said that you.., well... ah... you know what you whispered to me," I shouted.
Suddenly, she broke into laughter and cried, "I do love you, Jack!" Now, I knew before this that she loved me. Her letters, cards, gifts, smiles, cookies, etc. all told me she loved me. But we both had expanded the breadth and depth of the "I love you" stage which made those words beautiful to hear.
We used the same idea for the stages that followed the "I love you" stage as well. What I'm saying is this: Don't rush into each stage. Enjoy each stage to its fullest, and when you have exhausted every possible way of expressing that next stage, then and only then enter that stage.
When you build a relationship this way, you are building a solid foundation for marriage. If breadth of relationship is more important to you than simply entering and achieving the next stage, you will have a loving, expressive marriage.
How sad to have said, "I like you" without ever expressing what "like" truly is.
How sad to have said, "I love you" without ever knowing or showing the depth and breadth and fullness of love.
How sad to rush into marriage without ever having taken sufficient time to express your longings and desires in a thousand wonderful, creative ways.
