Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Seven
Catching His Eye
A young lady is really at a disadvantage in the dating game. She must wait until a guy asks her out, and often he is not the guy she would prefer to date. She is quite helpless when compared with the guy who enjoys asking whomsoever he will, but such are the rules of dating.
How then can a girl catch the right guy? As a man, I know that a girl is not powerless. Though a man must take the initiative, there are strong signals a girl can send to "catch his eye."
1. Be feminine. No man enjoys dating a masculine counterpart. The stronger the masculinity of the man, the greater his desire for a truly feminine lady. On the other hand, the weaker the man, the greater his need for a strong, dominating female personality.
2. Don't be pushy or loud A meek and quiet spirit does not mean weak or boring, nor does it mean boisterous and obnoxious.
"But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." (I Peter 3:4)
3. Be spirited A good synonym would be enthusiasm. Men do not like to date a "stick in the mud." They want a girl who is willing to jump in and participate and have fun.
When young men ask me what they should be looking for in a girl, I tell them to look for a "positive response." A man wants a girl who wants to be a part of his life. That includes his fun, his ministry, his job, his interests, his friends, his hobbies, and so forth.
Points 2 and 3 balance each other. Join in whatever and whenever a guy invites you, but be careful not to steal the show from him or embarrass him. For instance, if a young man invites you to play a game, play with him, even if you do not like the game or fear doing poorly. He will admire your spirit and will enjoy teaching you to play. If, however, you are good at that particular game, you would be wise to lose on purpose.
Shame on the girl who refuses to join the activity. Double shame on the girl who humiliates her boyfriend by overpowering or conquering him.
4. Do not chase a man. This is a cardinal sin. You may flirt to let him know you are interested, but do not become overly infatuated. Let me give you some dangers:
(1) Do not tell everyone how much you want to date him. A simple comment to your best friend or counselor is appropriate, but do not broadcast your feelings.
(2) Do not tease him about dating you. Sharp young men take dating seriously, and are not at all impressed with someone acting forward or silly about dating.
(3) Do not "hang around" wherever he is. It is wise to be available for him to ask you for a date. Some girls hibernate from public and wonder why they are never asked for a date, while others become pests, smothering a guy with their presence.
6. Learn to do the best you can
with what you have. Study and learn the art of hair styling, make-up,
and appealing dress. There is nothing wrong with your learning how to look the
best you can as long as your beauty and clothing are not the "big
guns" you are using to catch your man.
May I Suggest a Few Tips?
(1) Don't wear blue jean skirts and sneakers on a regular basis.
(2) Wear dresses that accentuate your feminine form without being seductive. While you should be careful not to wear tight sweaters and tops or tight-fitting skirts, you should not wear baggy clothing that hangs poorly on your frame and detracts from your feminine characteristics. For instance, perhaps you could accent your slender build with a large belt.
Your clothing should emphasize your face and eyes which the Bible calls your countenance. Perhaps a certain type collar on a dress or modest amounts of jewelry would be appropriate. Follow the example of godly ladies who are obviously feminine and whose husbands frequently compliment them on their dress.
(3) By all means, keep your weight down to the proper level. Hundreds upon hundreds of times I have had young men tell me that they would date a particular girl in whom they were interested if only she would lose a few pounds.
(4) Fix your hair every day. Go to the library, study books on hair care and find new ways to wear your hair.
(5) Wear dresses with shoulder padding, puffy shoulders, or expanded shoulders.
(6) Don't be afraid to wear modest amounts of make-up. But, be very careful about using excessive eye shadow. Many guys are turned off by dark or colored eye shadow.
(7) Don't be trendy. One of my best friends in college nearly broke up with his future wife because she was the first to wear colored stockings among her peers. I realize this sounds very trite, but I'm trying to give you ladies a bit of insight into the complex male thinking.
(8) Keep your clothes clean and pressed and your fingernails properly manicured.
(9) Wear perfume that men enjoy. Many
of the perfumes that women like, men don't. Ask your father or older brother
what his favorite perfume is and wear that.
7. Let a guy know if you are interested in him. How? The first few times you walk by him, just catch his eye. Nothing more! Then, the next few times, simply smile at him and pass on by. Then, the next time, catch his eye and say "Hi," using his first name, and keep right on walking. That in itself should be all that is necessary to get him to start talking to you. This process may take a few days or even weeks.
8. Don't go after guys who are already dating regularly. If you can't get them off your mind, tell the matter to the Lord, and your counselor, and leave it completely with them.
9. Don't get "stuck" on one guy you can't seem to get This is a common mistake. The power of fantasy is often overwhelming. I have often recommended to such ladies that they have a "burial service" for this guy. Die to him in your emotions, and give God permission to bring the right one into your life. It is an overworked phrase, but quite appropriate here. God gives the best to those who leave the choice with Him.
10. Watch your posture. Walk like a princess. Don't slouch or shuffle as you walk. Mimic the grace and poise of Christian ladies who have a reputation for such poise. The very first thing that caught my attention toward my wife was the manner in which she walked. There was a charm in her graceful steps that was intriguing to me.
11. Be a hard worker, get good grades in school, and be able to get things accomplished A guy may enjoy dating an "air head," but every guy wants to marry a girl who has her act together.
12. Write a thank-you note after every date. Gratitude is a powerful energy.
13. Build and maintain a strong relationship with your father.
Most guys understand that they will be treated much like their father-in-law was treated.
14. Use the words, "I love you" sparingly. Many girls make a mistake of telling nearly everyone in their sphere of life that they "love" them. Keep those words as a special treasure reserved for that one man in your life, Of course, I'm not referring to your family. I think it is fine to use them for your parents, family, and good friends; however, I would not use them for male leaders, teachers and co-workers.
I don't envy the position of the ladies in our dating society; yet, for all the struggles they face trying to get the right man, they do remarkably well. My prayer is that the men will wake up and realize how many lovely Christian ladies are within asking distance.
