Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Six
How to Ask Out a Girl
I had positioned myself in the balcony of our church so that I could see Cindy sitting across the auditorium on the main floor. Tonight was the night I would ask her for a date. I honestly do not recall anything from that church service, but when it ended, I distinctly remember my friend Rick saying, "Jack, it's now or never."
Instantly, my palms became wet and clammy. My stomach tried to force its way out of my abdomen as though it were possessed by a demon, my heart pounded so loudly I was certain Cindy could hear it from where she was sitting. My knees grew weak and nearly buckled as I stumbled and staggered down the stairway.
"I don't have to go through with this," I thought. "No girl ought to have this much power over a man. Why should something as simple as asking out a girl make a grown man quiver with fear?"
I didn't have a chance to answer myself, for now I was standing in front of her. Mechanically, my mouth began to open and close. The words came out thick and deliberate. The look on Cindy's face told me that she was enjoying my agony. She was going to let me make a total fool of myself and then destroy what masculine strength I had left by rejecting my invitation; however, her positive answer and kind words startled me.
"Yes, I would like very much to join you for the Youth Revival."
As I walked away with my male ego still intact, Rick asked me, "Well, how did it go, Jack?"
"A real 'piece of cake,' Rick," I hedged. "I was totally in control the whole time."
From the conversations I have had with young men seeking to date, I have found my experience to be the rule more than the exception. I have seen some very strong men wince at the thought of asking out a girl. I have spoken to scores of young men on how to ask out a girl. Let me give you some of the pointers I have shared with them.
1. Have a mutual friend Introduce you to the girl before you ask he, for a date. This could even be a teacher or a pastor. Her response at this time is very important in determining whether or not you should ask her out.
I have introduced many couples who are now happily married. Often I would introduce them and say something like, "I would like you to spend five minutes together, but what you do after that is up to you."
If you fear being rejected by a girl, don't risk a "no" answer by asking a girl who has never seen you or met you. If she has been introduced to you, and she has any interest in you, she will do some "behind the scenes" checking up on you.
I'm not a glutton for rejection. Though I asked out few girls, I never received a "no" for an answer. This is because I never asked out a girl I was not reasonably certain would say "yes" before I asked her for a date.
2. A few days after you have been introduced let her catch you looking at her. Warning! The only place a man should look on a girl is her eyes! A good girl is going to be totally negative toward a man who "checks her out." Keep your eyes only on her eyes. Let me further caution you not to stare at her or constantly look at her.
Shortly after I had been introduced to Cindy, I realized she stayed after the Wednesday night church service waiting for her dad to finish counseling. On one Wednesday evening, I casually strolled the hallways of our church, trying not to seem as though I were looking for her. As I passed by a long hallway, I looked toward the other end and saw Cindy walking the opposite direction as I, but looking my way.
Quickly, I moved on. But then I felt this impulse to back up and catch one more glimpse. When I did so, I saw that she too had backed up to catch a glimpse of me. There we were, standing 60 feet apart looking at each other, feeling totally embarrassed. I thought to myself, "Jack, you 'blew' it. She caught you looking at her.
Immediately, I countered, "But you also caught her looking at you." We were both interested, and we both knew it. Now we were ready to begin the dating game.
3. Between the time you are introduced and you ask her for a date, try to cross her path and greet her personally by name with a pleasant smile. If you're perceptive, you (and sometimes others) will notice if she is simply being polite or if she is flirting back with you.
4. When it comes time to ask her for a date, speak to her when you know she will not be in a hurry, and she won't be with several of her friends.
5. Use her name, remind her of your name, and briefly state your question. When I asked out Cindy, I said, "Cindy, my name is Jack. Bink introduced us a couple of weeks ago. There is a youth revival this week, and I was hoping you would be free on Monday night to join me."
6. Ask her a few days in advance of the date you are planning.
7. Don't expect an immediate answer, but rather ask her to give you her answer the following day at the same place and at the same time. If she does say "yes," so much the better; however, she may want to think it over, get a reference on you, check with her parents, work out schedule conflicts, or think of a polite way to say "no." You are catching her off guard. You had time to plan your words, she did not. It is only fair that she be given time to prepare her thoughts and words.
8. If her answer is yes, give her the details as to place, time, chaperons, proper attire, etc.
9. If her answer is "no," ask her If there is a possibility for a later date. Unless her answer is a cheerful "yes," I would chalk it up to experience and move on or seek wise counsel from your pastor. I would not be interested in dating a girl who did not want to date me or did not make any sincere effort to work out conflicts in order to date me. Either she does or does not want to date. I'm not a beggar, nor am I desperate for her.
10. Remember when you approach a
girl for a date, she is just as nervous If
not more so than you
are. Plan your words well, but don't feel as though you are making a
speech. She is as concerned with making a good impression with you as you are
with her.
