Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Five
Your Dream List
Robert was frustrated. He had been looking for the girl of his dreams for several years without success. He finally sought counsel. When I asked Robert what he was looking for in a girl, he pulled out a well-worn 8 1/2" x 11" piece of paper he referred to as his "dream list." There were over twenty-five items on his list of necessary qualifications for a wife, including such items as "play the piano,"" sing solos," "make her own clothes," "not more than 120 lbs.," "confident," and "meek and quiet."
I looked at Robert and then back at his list. "Robert," I said, "You left an important item off this list."
"What's that?" he asked.
"You forgot to put down here that your dream girl better not have a 'dream list' of her own. If she does, you're in trouble."
In Matthew 1:19, we read, "Then Joseph... being a just man ... was minded to put her away privily "Joseph obviously expected his mate to have some standards, and when those standards were violated, Joseph faced some very tough choices. On the other hand, Samson said to his parents, "I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife ... for she pleaseth me well. " (Judges 14:2b, 3b) The only item on Samson's dream list was selfish pleasure.
Too often, dating couples are guilty of one of two extremes in selecting a mate. Either they have established no standards for a mate and many someone who has poor moral or spiritual values, or they have an enormous list of ridiculous requirements such as Robert's that would have disqualified Adam from marrying Eve, Abraham from courting Sarah, or Joseph from taking Mary to be his wife.
Some of the "wife requirement sheets" I have seen from the preacher boys in our college look more like job application forms for an assistant pastor or church secretary. Someone said that the only requirement for a wife is her "kissin' ability." Most men reading this will appreciate that — just be sure you single men wait until your wedding day to test that ability.
I have also seen lists that included piano playing, typing and shorthand skills, as well as athletic talent in several sports. Most of those items are "cream." They might be nice as an added bonus, but they are not totally necessary when compared to the qualities of virtue and character that are vital for a marriage to endure and prosper.
Let me offer a helpful and practical "dream list."
1. As a general rule, the person you date should not be more than twenty-five percent older or younger than you. For instance, a fifteen-year-old should not date someone older than eighteen; an eighteen-year-old should not date someone older than twenty-two, and so forth. The younger you are, the less age difference there should be. Again, I realize there are happily married couples who have a greater age difference between them, but that is not the wise choice.
2. The person you date must meet your parent's approval.
Before you ask out that pretty gal, or before you say "yes" to his invitation, seek your parent's advice. If you do not have parents who care to involve themselves with your life, seek your pastor's advice.
If you wait to seek your parent's or pastor's approval until after you have dated that person a while, you may very well feel too emotionally involved to stop the relationship if your parents or pastor do not approve.
It may be difficult to check with your parents if you are away from home or at college. Here are some ideas you can follow.
(1) Arrange to have your parents visit the campus and meet the person.
(2) If you are a lady, suggest to the young man that he write or call your parents before you date.
(3) Seek the advice of a godly college leader. Ask them to give you a reference on the person whom you want to date.
(4) Ask the pastor of the church where you are attending to investigate the person and give you his counsel.
Susan came to my office at my request. Her pastor back home had called my office quite concerned about the young man she was dating. Susan and Dan were both freshmen and had met just three months earlier. They were planning to be married in six months.
I asked Susan what she knew of Dan. For several minutes, she extolled his virtues and strengths. I said, "Susan, who told you about all these wonderful traits of Dan?"
"Well," she said, "Dan told me."
"Have you investigated his character or background before making your decision to many him?" I asked.
"I don't need to!" she snapped back at me. "We're in love, and that's all that matters."
What disturbed me was her refusal to face some tough facts. Dan had been expelled from college that semester, but he had told Susan he dropped out because of financial reasons. Well, Dan was partly right. He was lazy and couldn't hold a job. He wanted to move away from the college and take Susan with him. He had painted a very romantic picture of the two of them finding a good job while going to another school part-time, all the while "living on love." I asked Susan if she had sought her parent's approval of Dan. She had not. In fact, her parents had never met Dan nor even spoken to him on the phone.
I asked her if she had sought her pastor's advice. She said she had and that her pastor was very much for the relationship. Well, now I smelled a skunk. It was tragic enough that her parents had so little input, but I knew personally what her pastor's feelings were. He was definitely not "very much for the relationship."
When I confronted Susan with this fact, she confessed that she was afraid that either her parents or pastor would forbid her to date Dan. I assured her that Dan was not a bad boy, but he needed a couple of years of disciplined training to mature into a capable husband to provide for her and a family. She agreed and wisely asked me to investigate more fully Dan's character and background.
Never, never, never date anyone without the approval of your parents, your pastor, or a godly Christian whom your parents and pastor trust.
3. The person whom you date should promote the relationship you have with your parents. Anyone who tries to drive a wedge between you and your family, or complains about the time you spend with your family is a childish, insecure, selfish, demanding person who is not yet mature enough to date you.
4. I recommend you date someone you could enjoy seeing everyday for the rest of your life. There should be a "chemistry" in a relationship that is heading toward marriage.
I'm not simply talking about a handsome face or pretty teeth or a fair complexion or a lovely figure. I will say, however, that beauty is usually in the eyes of the beholder. I have known scores of couples who were neither physically attractive nor dynamic of personality, yet they had a chemistry between them that made them beautiful in one another's eyes.
Young men, keep in mind that 90 percent of the physical beauty that captivates your eyes is probably due to her being able to afford more expensive makeup, hair styling, or clothing. Put the same expensive dress and shoes on some of the so-called "plain Janes" who have good character and a sweet spirit, and your eyes might be dazzled with their beauty.
The same goes for you young ladies, too. A man who knows how to work hard, stay faithful to his marriage vows, and be a hero to your children is much better than "chiseled" features, rippling biceps, and "designer jeans."
Tim had been dating a young lady for several months and was being pressured by others to move the relationship along toward marriage. He wasn't sure he should do that though, so he sought my counsel.
"Is she someone you would enjoy going home to after a long day at work?" I asked.
Immediately Tim responded, "No way! She's simply a pleasant girl with a nice personality, but I would not be anxious to see her every day of my life." I advised Tim to break off the relationship before this young lady had her nice personality injured.
You will want to date someone who "catches your eye" and continues to capture it through the years. No doubt there will be many days when your spouse does not excite you, and your relationship may be stressed, but over the long haul, you better have that intimate bond that draws you to each other.
5. Date someone who takes pride in their name and has an honorable reputation. Proverbs 22:1 says, "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches." My parents are honorable people; my pastor is an honorable man; my sister is an honorable lady; my Sunday school teachers are honorable people; my church is an honorable church; my friends are honorable friends; my God is an honorable God; and my Saviour is an honorable Saviour.
I must not bring dishonor or shame to those who love me and have invested in me. I would want the person I date to feel the same toward their family, friends, pastor, church, God, and Saviour.
What people think about me is important. I would not want to date someone who had a flippant "what-do-I-care-what-others-say-about-me" kind of an attitude.
6. Date someone who has kept themselves pure of mind and body. When I was a boy, my Sunday school teacher brought a dozen white roses to our class. Eleven of the roses were bright and fresh; one was wilted and brown. My teacher asked each of us to pick out a rose for ourselves. One by one, we chose "our" rose. After all of us had selected a rose, only one rose remained. To be sure, it was the brown, wilted rose.
My teacher then asked us why no one chose the brown, wilted rose. It seemed quite obvious to all of us. Who wants a dirty, used rose? He went on to explain how we will one day select a mate for our lives. We must keep ourselves pure for that "one" that God has for us, and we should choose someone who has kept themselves pure for us. No one wants "used" or "wilted" merchandise; likewise, no one wants an impure mate for their life.
• If you have made some mistakes in this area, confess your sin to God; ask Him to cleanse you and make you white and pure. Isaiah 1:18 invites us, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
During one recent winter day, we received 8" of pure white snow. It sparkled like diamonds in the sunshine. If your past contains impure thoughts and actions, come to Jesus and tell Him your sins, asking Him to make you white as snow. He will! And then live pure and clean from this moment forward.3
3If you have a bad past, you certainly have the right to redeem yourself and regain your reputation; however, it is also wise to understand that parents who have safeguarded their children are going to be skeptical about your change until you have a few years of a good record to support your change. You have the right and opportunity to change. Others have the right to be cautious and slow to give their permission to date their pure daughter or son.
7. Date someone who has the character and self-discipline you admire and desire for yourself Is that person punctual? Does he turn in his assignments on time? Are his shoes shined? Is her dress neatly pressed? Is his hair cut properly and combed? Is she respectful of her elders and peers? How does he treat children? Is his language decent and honorable? Does she ever volunteer to do extra work or service for someone else? Is she polite? Does he speak highly of his mother? Does she speak highly of her father? Does he speak highly of his pastor? Does he respect his sister? Does she respect her brother? Is his locker clean? Does she perform her chores at home? Does she have a sweet disposition? Does he walk like a man?
8. Date someone who helps you uphold your convictions. If you're dating a person who tries to make you lower your standards for any reason whatsoever, drop that person like a rattlesnake! Yes, that takes unusual courage, but you will thank me ten thousand times over if you will trust me on this point.
9. Date someone you would want your children to copy. My wife is the model I promote to my daughter. I want Jaclynn to grow up to be just exactly like her mother.
Children are hero worshippers, and during the highly formative early years of life, Mom and Dad are the primary role models. Right now, I am my son's hero. He calls me his buddy and his hero. Recently he said, "Dad, you are the king of my life." Wow! Did my wife ever think her son would be calling her boyfriend the "king of his life" when we were dating?
Be sure the person you date is worthy to be called "king" by your children.
10. Date someone who won't insist that you forfeit your teenage and college-age years in order to prove your love. I'm certainly not against your falling in love. In fact, I highly recommend marriage. My prayer for you is that you will be as happily married as are my wife and I.
However, don't rush into marriage simply because you think you have found the right one. Marriage is fantastic, but it won't be mature unless you both come to each other with the fullness that patient waiting can give you. Marriage is not the whole of life. Your training for the work God has for you, your final years with your parents, your high school friends, your early years of college — all of these are also important.
Brad and Heather are one of the most lovely couples I know. They were sweethearts from late junior high all the way through college. It was obvious they loved each other. It was also obvious they intended to table their wedding plans until after college, which they did. Do they have any regrets that they had to wait so long? "Absolutely not" was their answer.
Eight months after I began to date Cindy, I asked her father if I could ask her to marry me. He said, "If you and Cindy marry this summer, you would have my blessing, and you would be getting a good wife." Well, that was exactly what I wanted. "But," he continued, "If you will wait one year longer, you will get a great wife."
We waited the extra year. Do we have any regrets that we waited? Absolutely not! My wife and I both were able to fully enjoy our teenage years and our college days before we entered marriage. By the way, I have a great wife.
11. Date only a born-again Christian. To many of you, this is too obvious. I only wish it were to the many dozens of couples I know who have shipwrecked their lives by violating this very clear command of Scripture. II Corinthians 6:14 states pointedly, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?"
Again, I personally know of couples who married when one or the other was not saved. The only thing they prove is that God is merciful and forgiving. The Bible says, "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God" (Matthew 4:7)
Don't "push" God's kindness by disobeying His command to not be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers." (II Corinthians 6: 14a) God punished the nation of Israel more for marrying unbelievers than He did for any other sin.
Julie was beautiful and had a vibrant Christian testimony. She loved her parents and her church. But, Julie fell in love with an unsaved boy, and no amount of counsel or "friendly advice" could sway her from making plans to marry this guy.
Julie repeatedly said, "He'll get saved soon. And after we're married, he promises to attend my church." So goes the path of deceit and broken-heartedness.
The night before their wedding, Julie's fiancé was given a "stag party" by his unsaved "buddies." He was still drunk at the wedding time, and his best man had to physically hold him up while he slurred through his vows.
Julie assured everyone that this would all change after the honeymoon. It didn't. It never does!
Three years of marriage, two children, and dozens of physical beatings later Julie cries, "I would rather die than live another day in this marriage. I'd rather my children die than suffer through this hell on earth. Why didn't I listen to those warnings?"
1 don't know. Why don't you?
Perhaps as you read this, you personally do not know what it means to be a "born-again Christian." Let me explain it for you. To be born again means to be born spiritually. You had a physical birth, but you need a spiritual birth, else you will die and go to Hell forever. You ask, "How can I be born again spiritually so I don't go to Hell?" Very simple. Read these four facts:
(1) You are a sinner. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23)
(2) Sinners deserve to go to Hell. "The wicked shall be turned into hell." (Psalm 9:17)
(3) Jesus Christ loves you, died for you, and rose from the dead for you. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8b)
(4) You must personally ask Jesus to save you from Hell. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:13)
How do you call upon the name of the Lord? Let me help you. Make this prayer your personal call to Jesus as you sincerely read it out loud: "Dear Jesus, I admit I am a sinner, and that I deserve to go to Hell. I believe You died for my sins. Right now, the best I know how, I ask You to forgive me for my sins and save me and give me eternal life with You in Heaven. Thank You for loving me and saving me. Amen."
If you just asked Jesus to save you, write to me and let me rejoice with you.
12. Date only a soul winner. Telling people of the love of Christ is the greatest and most important work any person could do. Date someone who does the greatest and most important work.
Before we married, my wife had personally won over 1,000 people to Christ. What a personal motivation that was to me. My girlfriend inspired me to want to tell others of Christ. That's what I call the right kind of person to date.
13. Date someone who loves God, the Bible, and old-fashioned preaching. Our first date was to a youth revival, as was our second. The very first thing my new bride and I did when we entered our hotel room on our honeymoon was to kneel by the sofa and read the Bible and pray.
Don't date some backslidden person just because they have a pretty face or a handsome smile. Date someone who has a passion for Jesus!
