Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Three
Defraud Not One Another
"For God hath
not called us unto uncleanness,
but unto holiness."
(I Thessalonians 4:7)
It is not uncommon for me to counsel dating couples who get into serious moral trouble "by accident." Often, these are really fine Christian young people with good standards and wonderful testimonies. They were not seeking to do wrong, nor were they the kinds of couples who were in need of constant supervision. Often these are couples who were trusted, respected, and usually very responsible.
What happened then? Why do good young people do bad? The answer is, they defraud each other. They allow themselves to get into situations where the strongest of Christians and the noblest of Christians is not strong enough to turn away.
Let me share some very practical rules to follow to prevent "defrauding."
1. Have a curfew. As the evening gets later, the morals become looser. What some couples would never think of at 7:30 p.m., they will do at midnight. Set a curfew and then be in 10 to 15 minutes before curfew. I would suggest a curfew no later than 10:30 p.m. for high school teens and 11:00 p.m. for college age.
2. Don't touch. I mean don't kiss, hug, hold hands, etc. There never has been a couple who held hands and was content to stop with that. I am a firm believer in staying several steps away from danger. Let me logic with you for a moment. The Bible is very clear about not committing adultery1 or fornication.2 Modern teens refer to it crudely as "going all the way."
Some of the Bible verses which prove God wants us to guard our purity are: Exodus 20:14 which says, "Thou shalt not commit adultery. " First Corinthians 6:18 instructs us to "Flee fornication." In Hebrews 13:4, the Bible says, "Whoremongers and adulterers
1I am aware that the terms adultery and fornication are not synonymous, though I am using them together to refer to impure behavior in a general way.
2Technically, I define adultery as the introduction of third party into the marriage relationship. I define fornication as any sexual sin including pornography, impure thoughts, impure actions with another one or one's self, homosexuality, etc.
God will judge. "First Thessalonians 4:3 tells us, "For this is the will of God.., that ye should abstain from fornication."
However, before a couple commits an immoral sexual act, they are engaged in heavy kissing and touching (commonly referred to as necking and petting). It is interesting to note that in I Corinthians 7:1, God wrote, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." That word touch means a touch that lights afire. The fire here refers to the fire of sexual desire. The Bible teaches that only married couples are allowed to stir up a sexual desire, and that fire is started by "touching." Paul then continues by saying that marriage is the only place where that kind of touching is allowed.
Before the necking and petting stage, there is some hugging and kissing. And before the hugging and kissing stage, the couple is holding hands, stroking an arm or face, etc.
Now, let me ask you a question. "If you want to be absolutely certain that you do not commit fornication, where is the wisest place to stop getting physical?" If you're honest, you would agree that the best place to stop is to not get physical in the first place.
Wrong Exit
Interstate 94 is a major highway near where I live, connecting Chicago, Illinois, with Detroit, Michigan. Suppose you see me get off at the exit marked "Detroit, Michigan." You would rightly assume that I probably was headed in the direction of Detroit, even though I might not go all the way to Detroit.
If you stopped me, asked me my destination, and I said, "Chicago," you would be confused. You would probably tell me I was headed in the wrong direction to go to Chicago. And you would be right.
Let me ask you a question. How far toward Detroit must I go to
give you the impression that I am not heading to Chicago? Not very far. My simple act of turning off on the exit marked "Detroit" tells you that I am not intending to go to Chicago.
And when you get on the exit that leads to impurity, you are not sending a clear signal that you want to wind up in the city of Purity!
Then, too, you never know how far you can go and still stop. Passion is like an avalanche — once it starts, there is no stopping it. It is like dynamite — it takes only a little match to start a devastating explosion.
Suppose for a moment that you and your date decide that you will stop right before you commit fornication. Let's also suppose that just one time you slip one step and cross over your line. You have now committed a horrible sin of immorality.
Now suppose another couple sets their line at holding hands. They, too, have a weak moment and cross over their line. Their sin? Holding hands. Which guilt would you rather take to the marriage altar?
3. Don't feed your mind with a lifestyle that contradicts your dating standards. You won't keep your commitment to purity if you feed on the sexual indecency of television, rock music, romance novels, or trashy magazines.
4. Don't begin reading books that address the physical aspect of marriage more than three months before your wedding date.
5. Don't be alone with your date in a car or in a house.
6. Don't date when you are tired and weary. Your morals break down as your physical energy wears down.
7. Let your limits be known to your date, not harshly and unkindly, but firmly and sincerely. If your date's limits differ from yours, you should both decide to abide by the stricter of the two or you should decide not to date. And your parents should be told if there is a difference in your standards so that they might be able to work out a solution. "Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand" (Philippians 4:5)
8. If one partner becomes physically aggressive, the other partner must take a stand by reminding them of their prior commitment to purity. If the aggressor does not change immediately, ask to be taken home or leave immediately.
There will be times when one or the other of you is weaker. This does not necessarily mean that the person is bad. It does mean that the stronger one must leave immediately as did Joseph in the Old Testament. After the weaker , one has calmed down and had time to think through the matter, there should be an apology and a recommitment of extra caution to pure standards. I would much rather that my daughter slap a man's face if he tries to touch her and work out their hurt feelings later than to have them guilt-ridden because they defiled themselves.
9. Use a chaperon system when dating. This does not mean that a dating couple must have a little sister or brother or anyone else "breathing down their neck" constantly. Certainly there can and should be times when the couple is allowed to be alone in public. Riding bicycles, taking public transportation, walking down neighborhood streets, eating in a restaurant, walking through a shopping mall, and such like are all proper ways for a couple to be "alone."
There should be many group dates; however, especially during the early stages of dating. Also, there could be double-dating as long as the second couple has the same commitment to purity.
Basically, using a chaperon system means you are going to be accountable to someone other than yourselves. There is no accountability when in a car alone. There is no accountability when in a house alone.
Also, let me say this. Simply having someone somewhere in the same house is not being accountable. The dating couple should not be isolated in a distant part of the house far removed from others.
10. Never trust yourself. I suppose this point sort of summarizes all of the previous points. We are all made of flesh. We all have certain "weaker" moments. We all need all of the help we can get to walk to our wedding day pure. Don't be so proud that you don't think you are capable of committing the worst of sins.
11. Plan your dates. Unplanned dates are one of the biggest causes for physical defrauding. It's easy for couples with weak self-discipline and little creativity to get physical. Pure couples must work hard to plan each date and be creative to prevent the boredom that often leads to defrauding.
12. Dress modestly and appropriately. How you dress determines how you act. Sloppy dress = careless actions; immodest dress impure actions; proper dress = proper actions.
