Dating With A Purpose
by Pastor Jack Schaap
Pastor of the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana
Chapter Two
Purity Is Not a Dirty Word
"Blessed are
the pure in heart: for they shall see God"
(Matthew 5:8)
The Bible was half-thrown and half-dropped onto the table, barely missing my tray of food. I looked up into the demanding faces of three teenagers. Don was about 16 years old. He spoke up immediately, "You said in your sermon, Brother Schaap, that it is wrong to hold hands, kiss, and hug while dating, and you said that you could prove it from the Bible. There's my Bible! I don't know of any verse that says, 'Thou shalt not hold hands,' or 'Thou shalt not hug.' Let's see if you really can convince us it's in there."
I smiled at Don and his two female companions. I always enjoy taking the Bible and making sense out of the confusing issues that face teenagers. Dating standards is one of the "hot" issues with nearly every teen.
Don and his friends sat across from me at the table along with several other teenagers whose ears had perked up at the mention of "dating," "kissing," and the "Bible" all being used in the same sentence.
Let me share with you in a brief outline what I explained to Don and his friends.
1. Dating standards must be established on the basis of what is pleasing to God rather than what is pleasurable to man. In Genesis 3:5, the serpent fooled Eve into thinking that she could become a goddess, determining what was right or wrong for herself, "... Ye shall be as gods, knowing (determining for yourself) good and evil. "A casual reading of the book of Judges reveals what happens when people do "that which was right in their own eyes. (Judges 21 :25b) They became spoiled, sinful, weak and enslaved by their own appetites, and therefore, they became easy targets for Satan to destroy them. Adam and Eve were destroyed when they chose to determine for themselves what standards by which they would live.
In Ephesians 5:10, Paul challenges us to prove, "what is acceptable unto the Lord. " Let me ask you a question. Does your dating behavior prove what is acceptable to the Lord, or does it prove what is acceptable to you? Pleasure is certainly not bad unless it is pleasure at the expense of obedience. It is always wrong to do wrong, even if wrong feels good. A popular song in the 1970's had a line in it that went, "It can't be wrong if it feels so right." The pleasure of wrong can never hold a candle to the joy of doing right. If pleasure is your guide, choose the greatest thrill of all — the pleasure of purity and holiness.
2. Make your goal in dating "How can we stay pure?" not, "How far can we go?" First Timothy 5:22 commands us to, "Keep thyself pure. " The word keep means to guard. The word pure means clean, innocent, modest, perfect, sacred, or blameless. God wants you to guard your innocence so that absolutely no one can blame you or find anything immodest in your dating behavior.
3. Don't arouse desires in yourself or your date that you may not rightfully satisfy. In I Thessalonians 4:1-7, God warns us not to "defraud" one another. The word defraud means to cause someone to want to do something they should not do. God also says in the same passage that we must know how to keep our bodies (vessels) pure of fornication (illicit sexual behavior) and our minds pure of concupiscence (immoral sexual desires). (Please see Chapter 3 for practical standards to prevent defrauding.)
4. Be able to say to your children, "Do as we did. " I desperately wish there was a way I could make every dating couple feel the same passionate desire in their hearts that I have for my children to be pure. I thank God daily that I can truthfully say to my children, "Date just like your mother and I dated." You will want to be able to say the same one day.
5. Men, remember that your girlfriend is someone's daughter, sister, or future wife Treat her just as you would want a man to treat your daughter, sister, or wife. I would be furious if a man tried to defile my precious thirteen-year-old daughter, Jaclynn, or if a man tried to kiss my wife.
Well, that same protective attitude toward their purity should characterize your behavior toward your date. Your girlfriend's daddy or brother might be terribly upset if they knew what you wanted to do with their daughter and sister.
A few years ago I had to break up a major fight between three brothers and their sister's boyfriend. The brothers had driven several hundred miles to fight this guy because he had been getting physically involved with their sister. It was a very nasty situation, and the boyfriend almost lost his life.
6. Realize that anything you steal from the future to enjoy now will only rob you of greater satisfaction later. Physical love is a very wonderful gift that God has given to married couples; and in marriage, it is very satisfying and rewarding. God pity the couple who steals it before their wedding day to satisfy their undisciplined lust. That undisciplined indulgence will only create disrespect and insecurity in their marriage later.
When my wife and I got into our car on our wedding day to drive to the airport, I looked at her as we pulled away from the church and said, "Cindy, everything from here on out is all brand new for us." We were alone in a car. We could hold hands, hug, and kiss; and these were wonderful experiences that we could now share together. It was all fresh and exciting. And since we had kept ourselves pure while we were dating, it has been fresh and exciting to this day.
7. If your date gets physical with you, don't deceive yourself into thinking that they were not physical with someone before you and will not be physical again with someone after you. Just a few days ago, my wife and I were counseling a lovely young teenage girl. She had gotten physically involved with a young man who had told her she was "the only one." I cautioned the girl that there was a very good possibility that he was not being truthful and that there might very well be other girls in his past. She assured me there were none.
Recently this girl came to me crying, "You were right, Brother Schaap, I'm not the only girl he kissed and hugged. He lied to me, and I feel emotionally raped."
You see, he had broken God's command to stay pure, making it easier for him to break God's command to be honest.
I don't care what words of loyalty and devotion he feeds you; if he wants your hugs and kisses badly enough, he'll lie to get them.
Perhaps you girls have been told to pull off your shoe and hit your date with a sharp high heel if he becomes aggressive. This may work, but may I suggest that you begin your dating with the comment that you are very close to your father, and that you tell him everything that happens on a date. That was my wife's technique, and it worked well for her.
8. Remember that wedding vows don't change a person's morals. If your date cheated on his parents, his pastor, and his Saviour before your wedding day, you have absolutely no guarantee that he will not cheat on you after your wedding day.
Too many blinded individuals think that their loose and undisciplined boyfriend is going to make a transformation because he puts on a tuxedo, stands on a church platform, and repeats pretty words. That's just plain dumb thinking. The same is true of a girlfriend making a transformation when she puts on a lovely white gown, carries some lovely flowers and stands at a church altar.
9. Set a goal in your life to walk to your wedding altar pure and chaste and virgin — set apart for just one person. A Christian teenage girl attending a large public high school was asked every Monday by her girlfriends if she had "scored" with her date on Friday, meaning did she behave impurely. One Monday, when her friends quizzed her, she responded, "Any time I want to, I can become like you; but, you can never again become like me."
10. Make a holy vow to God that you will stay pure in your dating. Write your vow in your Bible. Type it on a card, and place the card on the bathroom mirror or on the door of your room so that you will be constantly reminded of your promise to God to stay pure.
Recently it made headlines when twelve Chicago teenage girls took a vow of chastity to stay pure until their wedding day. Even the world respects someone with the character they wish they had themselves.
11. Beg God every day and especially before each date to help you to stay pure.
12. Date only those people who are approved by both your parents and your pastor or spiritual advisors.
13. Realize that moral purity is a marvelous way to honor your parents, please your pastor, and love your God. Did it ever occur to you that it is hard to love a "Spirit"?
You can buy flowers and candy for your date, but how do you show God that you really love Him? Fortunately, God tells us many things He likes, and one of His favorite gifts is when dating couples keep themselves pure.
Then too, what a wonderful way to say
to your parents and pastor, "We love you, and we want to show our love and
gratitude to those who love us most and have invested in our lives. Therefore,
we are going to date in such a fashion that would please you and honor your
desires for our lives."
The Bottom Line
After I finished speaking to Don and his friends, I left the table and slowly made my way toward the chapel where I was to preach again. I heard footsteps running behind me, and when I turned, I saw Don coming toward me.
"Brother Schaap, much of what you said makes a lot of sense, but I'm still going to hold hands and probably kiss my girlfriend," he said.
"Why is that so, Don?" I asked.
"Because it feels good, and I just like doing it, I guess," he replied.
I walked side by side with Don for several moments before I spoke. Finally, I said, "Don, I need your advice on something. My wife and I have not been getting along well lately." Don's eyes widened with curiosity.
"You see, Don, my wife insists that I take out the garbage every week, and she simply does not understand how much I despise taking out the garbage. It stinks, it is messy, and besides, I just don't want to do it. So now we're fussing about who should take out the garbage. Do you have any suggestions to help me?"
Quickly, Don came back, "Brother Schaap, I have to take out the garbage in our house too, so I know how much you hate it, but it really isn't that bad, is it?"
"Don! I hate taking out the garbage," I shouted. "I just don't think my wife ought to insist that I do it if I don't want to do it. I don't want to and that should settle it, right?"
"But, Brother Schaap, that's not the point," he shot back, "If you really love her. .. ." Don's voice trailed off. The impact of what he had tried to tell me struck him deeply in his emotions.
"Go on, Don," I urged. "You were saying, 'If I love her... what?' Finish it for me."
"That's my problem, isn't it, Brother Schaap. I guess I just don't love Jesus enough," said Don. "Brother Schaap, the issue is not what I want to do. The issue is, 'Do I love Jesus enough to simply do what He wants me to do?'"
My friend, that is your problem too. For if you love Him, you will obey His commands; and to those who love Him, His commands are not too much to follow. "By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and keep His commandments... and his commandments are not grievous. ~ (I John 5:2, 3b)
